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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29409984">Oh, I can't Stop you putting roots in my dreamland</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/unburnttkhaleesi/pseuds/unburnttkhaleesi'>unburnttkhaleesi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, and i had to make regan a bit of a mean girl, andrew is an ass, big sister toni au, but it ends pretty quickly, but it's softer than shameless, characters are aged up to their twenties, loosely based off shameless, she'll be adopting the boys at some point, shelby is married to andrew, that will turn into a milf toni au, toni is so fucking soft</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:02:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,307</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29409984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/unburnttkhaleesi/pseuds/unburnttkhaleesi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>So, it surprises her to see the attractive blonde, yes attractive. Toni may think the other woman was pure horse shit and hate Toni for just existing, but Toni wasn’t stupid. She had taken the time to check her out when she had the boys outside, catching her doing those stretches before she went on a run. </p>
<p>At one point, and Toni could have blamed the summer heat on this, but she had caught Toni staring and boldly made eye contact before fucking winking at her.</p>
<p>Or</p>
<p>25 year old Toni Shalifoe is the legal guardian of her three younger brother and thinks she has it all under control until one of them catches a stomach bug which brings her neighbor, Shelby, into her life. Toni thought she had the blonde woman figured out until she realizes there is much more to her than she had thought</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>669</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. My House of Stone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A lovely anon on tumblr threw a prompt at me that morphed and morphed and morphed until this happened. The fic halfway done, maybe we're looking at a five chapter story? I don't know, it depends on how I want to end it because it just keeps mutating. But I hope you all enjoy and lemme know what you think!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It doesn’t surprise Toni on bit when yet another one of her mother’s children gets dropped off at her doorstep, this time she half expected this one to come by way of Fedex.</p><p>Toni’s story was a sad one, well to the few people that knew it, it was quoted as sad, but Toni saw it as just another way of life. Toni who lived in a small craftsman home that had once been her grandparents, it was a nice house, with blue siding and white paneled windows. Her grandfather once showed her how to maintain it, which she did with keen precision. People in the neighborhood always talked crap on the people that lived in the house at the end of the road, gossip about her mother’s conquests were like fuel to the flames for the women in the neighborhood.</p><p>And the two- now three children that were under Toni care are proof of her mother’s coming and going. She was well aware that the Carla, the social worker was coming today. She forced her two brothers into their nicest clothes, coaxing the four-year-old was tough. At first, she put him in a set of overalls, which had been an instant regret since he couldn’t get them undone in time to use the bathroom, which had caused an accident of epic proportions while she dressed the squirming one and a half year old. Now she was getting an infant on top of this?  </p><p>She remembered when the social worker handed off Toby to her, that infamous look of pity on her face. It was a look that Toni came to know, came to hate. She remembered how she commented how young Toni was, how she had such a long life ahead of her and how she felt like she was wasting away caring for these kids.</p><p>It took so much of Toni not to slam the door in her face as four-year-old Tommy hugged her leg. Instead, she kept her voice firm, saying that she would never let her brothers go into foster care. It had been a hurdle getting custody of Tommy at only 21 years old.</p><p>Though she said it once and she’ll say it again, her mother needs to get her tubes tied because the change wasn’t happening fast enough for Toni’s liking.</p><p>She’s sitting across from the Carla now, Tommy and Toby sat on either side of her as the stuffy woman gets the newest edition out of his carrier and hands him off to Toni.</p><p>He looks a bit different. Yes, Toni’s brothers all had different dads, but they all had two things in common, their dark wavy hair and brown eyes.</p><p>This one looked so out of place with ginger curls and blue eyes, so much so that Toni utters. “You sure this is the right one?”</p><p>It isn’t meant to be a joke, maybe the eyes will turn brown since it was still too early to tell- but the red hair? It wasn’t a signature look of the family. The stuffy social worker lets out a laugh and tells her that this is her brother, Teddy.</p><p>It’s the usual shit, the social worker stays and pokes around the home while Toni shifts the newborn in one arm as she looks over his birth certificate. Sure enough, this was her brother and once the house passes, which duh of course it does, Toni knew the dos and don’ts of a foster home.</p><p>The social worker leaves after a few more minutes of polite chatter and Toni is left alone with her three siblings. She sighs to herself as her new brother begins to fuss in her arms, Tommy spills his juice on the floor and Toby bangs his head against the table.</p><p>This was her life now, she had to get used to it and she could handle it. Right?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Turns out three kids is tougher than it looked, all it took was two weeks in for Toby to catch a stomach bug from daycare. The house is in shambles, she’s covered in puke, her phones ringing and Teddy’s screaming and she can’t find Tommy, where the fuck is Tommy?</p><p>Suddenly there is a knock on her door.</p><p>Toby is on her hip, she’s almost in tears as she swings it open to see Tommy holding the hand of Shelby Jackson, her next-door neighbor who’s husband she had been silently feuding with they moved in, which was six months ago to be exact.</p><p>While people in this neighborhood where nosy as hell, at least it was pretty liberal, until Andrew Jackson and his back woods living, MAGA wearing, Trump supporting ass. All it took was watching this roided  out white guy hanging a Trump flag and putting signs up for Toni to write him and his wife off.</p><p>So, it surprises her to see the attractive blonde, yes attractive. Toni may think the other woman was pure horse shit and hate Toni for just existing, but Toni wasn’t stupid. She had taken the time to check her out when she had the boys outside, catching her doing those stretches before she went on a run.</p><p>At one point, and Toni could have blamed the summer heat on this, but she had caught Toni staring and boldly made eye contact before fucking winking at her.</p><p>Yeah, it had definitely been that summer heat.</p><p>But now it was winter, late January in Minnesota which also meant that it was colder than a witch’s tit and there was her stupid ass brother in his underwear, bathrobe and- well, at least he had his knock off timberlands on, that was something. “God damnit, Tommy.” She sighs reaching out to stanch his hand away from the blonde woman. Before she can get a hold of him though, she hears retching and a warmth sliding down her back before she hears liquid splattering to the floor. Toni filches, visibly.</p><p>Hell no, she would not cry in front of this conservative, homophobic, assho-</p><p>“Oh, dear lord,” Shelby speaks, Texan accent and all as steps into her house. “Here, hand ‘em over.” Shelby commands, giving her the gimmie hands and Toni must be looking at her like she’s crazy, because she actually is crazy. “It’s fine, I have a strong immune system.”</p><p>And Toni has no idea if it’s the exhaustion, but she does. Shelby’s hip juts out as she settles Toby in her arms. “Now go on and get yourself a shower, I’ll handle things here.” She has this serious look on her face, commanding more like it. “And take all the time you need.”</p><p>“Wait, you’re not going to call the social worker?” Toni blurts out, eyes going wide after she processed her own question.</p><p>Shelby’s smile is kind though, understanding as she shakes her head. “No, Toni. I wouldn’t do that, go take care of yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>So, she takes a long shower at the blonde woman’s commanded. Usually, Toni’s lucky about getting five minutes in before the door flies open and there is a kid trying to stumble it, but for once, she is on her own and good god is it nice.</p><p>After scrubbing Toby’s puke off her and washing her hair twice, she turns off the shower and listens.</p><p>The house is eerily quiet, all but a muffled singing voice coming from downstairs.</p><p>And it scared Toni because the house had never been this quite before. So, she rushes to pull on a clean pair of joggers and a worn high school t-shirt before she jogs down the stairs.</p><p>Her jaw drops when she is greeted with a clean-living room, Toby’s puke cleaned from the hardwood floor, two sleeping toddlers and Shelby Jackson in a rocking chair, singing softly to Teddy as she feeds him a bottle.</p><p>“Did you like- drug them or something?” Toni asks in pure bewilderment. Tommy is curled up in an arm chair with a pair of actual pajamas and Toby is on the couch, tucked in with a cool compress on his forehead, a pang of guilt sets through Toni because she had forgotten to check for a fever. She steps over to them and touches his flushed cheek.</p><p>Shelby’s soft laugh brings her back. “No, Tommy was requesting the solider girl movie. I had no idea what he was talking about, so we had to look through Netflix for a while until I figured out it was Mulan.” She nods towards the movie on the screen that was still playing at low volume. “As soon as I put it on, they were both out like a light.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Toni swallows past the lump in her throat as she brushes some of Toby’s dark waves out of his face, “Yeah, they are obsessed with it.” She flicks her gaze over at Shelby.</p><p>This woman, who was currently looking at her youngest brother with adoration was making her feel nervous in her own home. She had never been in this close of a vicinity with her neighbor before, but Toni never got nervous around another woman. She liked to think that she was the one who made women nervous, Shelby had an exact opposite on her, and it wasn’t from the fear of being judged, oh no. It was something different all together.</p><p>“I hear they are doing a remake of Mulan.” Shelby offers, breaking the silence. “Thought who knows if it’ll be as good. I wasn’t a fan of the Beauty and the Beast one, Emma Watson was great, but the singing? You could totally tell it was fake.” Toni watches as she uses those long and delicate fingers to play with one of Teddy’s curls. “I always liked Emma Watson though.”</p><p>Toni snorts out a laugh. “Yeah, she was totally my first celebrity crush. Little Toni Shalifoe saw her in the first Harry Potter movie and was instantly smitten. She could have done so much better than Ron Weasley.” However, she quickly realizes that this conversation would be the last thing that Shelby would want to talk about, taking in how she shifted uncomfortably in the rocking chair.</p><p>However, Shelby surprises her- seemingly swallowing her discomfort before she speaks. “Really, I didn’t think you would like the bossy type.”</p><p>“Hey, Hermione Granger is not bossy. She just knows what she wants.” Toni defends, finding a bit weird that Shelby is currently engaging in this conversation, being what her husband stands for.</p><p>The blonde woman rolls her eyes as she gently pulls the bottle from Teddy’s mouth. “So, you like being bossed around.” A coy smile. “Duly noted.”</p><p>And Toni is fucking blushing and she hates it, so she tries to steer the conversation elsewhere. “Can I ask you why you decided to sweep in here like Mrs. fucking Doubtfire? I mean it’s much appreciated, don’t get me wrong. But, like- we’ve never talked before.”</p><p>“Mrs. Doubtfire, really?” Shelby scoffs. “I mean you could have gone with Mary Poppins, but you go with Mrs. Doubtfire?” She’s stalling, or dodging Toni’s question before she sighs at Toni’s raised brow. “Fine, it’s just- I could hear the cryin’ from my house and then Tommy wandered in my backyard and- I know how the neighbors talk, so. Just did the Christian thing, I guess.”</p><p>“Christian thing?” Toni asks with hint of amusement in her voice. “Really?”</p><p>Shelby nods. “Yeah, love thy neighbor and I just- I <em>really </em>wanted to hold the baby.” She confesses. “I just love kids, it’s why I got into teaching.”</p><p>Toni knows what Shelby thinks she’s going to ask her, the infamous <em>then why don’t you have your own</em> but, Toni wouldn’t ask that, because Toni doesn’t know Shelby or what was going on in her life. In all actuality, Toni found that question rude. “Yeah, Teddy is a cute kid.”</p><p>“I just want to know where this red hair came from. I mean- you, Tommy and Toby all look the same and then this one, well- boom, red hair.” Shelby looks down at the infant in her arms.</p><p>Toni rubs her hands together. “Yeah, I actually checked his birth certificate, he is my brother. However, under dad, it says The Lucky Charms leprechaun.”</p><p>“Seriously?” Shelby gapes and it makes Toni laugh.</p><p>“Nah, it’s some Irish dude. Roy McGinty.” Toni sighs. “Not that it was worth looking him up, but I did. He’ll be in prison until Teddy is an adult at the earliest. Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, Tammy sure knows how to pick ‘em.”</p><p>“And Tammy is your mom?” Shelby slowly asks and Toni nods and waits for that look of judgement, that look of pity. It doesn’t come though, Shelby looks at her almost as if she understands. “Yeah, parents sure expect a lot out of us, huh?” Toni nods her head again and Shelby lets out a breath. “Well, you are really doing an amazin’ job with these boys.”</p><p>Toni hums. “Even with my little fuck up today?”</p><p>Her smile is yet again soft and she looks at her with these empathetic eyes as she stands up with Teddy in her arms. “People are allowed to make mistakes, it’s the beauty of being human.” She steps into Toni’s bubble, her legs pressing against her knees as she hands the baby over. “More importantly, you’re doing your best and that’s all anyone could ask for.”</p><p>Their body’s touch for a moment as Shelby allows her to take Teddy. Toni feels the soft fabric of her sweater and smells her sweet perfume. It’s a citrus scent, with a hint of raspberry and roses- sweet, like she was being. “If you ever need help, I left my number on the fridge. Text me any time, I’m usually home when I’m not at work.”</p><p>Toni does her best to speak past the lump in her throat. “What about your husband, I don’t think that he’d approve.”</p><p>Shelby gives an annoyed scoff. “I may be married to the man, but he’s not the boss of me. Besides,” She adds in a soft tone. “It’s not like he is even home anymore, always up at that gentleman’s club by the church.”</p><p>Toni raises a brow, it sounded to her like trouble in paradise. “Alright. Um, thanks again, Shelby.”</p><p>“Anytime, Toni.”</p><p>And just like that, Shelby leaves as softly as she arrives, and it takes Toni days before the scent of her perfume leaves her home.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She meets Marty for coffee the following weekend so Marty could meet Teddy.</p><p>However, as she sips her coffee and watches Marty fuss over the new addition, her thoughts wander to her blonde neighbor. As she struggled to get the boys into her car this morning, she had noticed Shelby and her husband in a heated argument as she struggled with Tommy’s buckle on his car seat. Truthfully, she took a long time because the ramped case of nosiness got the best of her. All she could hear was Shelby defending herself and Andrew threatening to call her father- which shut Shelby down a bit too quickly.</p><p>If this had taken place four years ago and she didn’t have three kids to worry about, she’d be dragging Andrew out by his scalp and push his face into the dirty snow by the curb. She totally lies to herself by thinking it’s because of his beliefs and not because she cares about Shelby, but even her conscience knows that is a big fat lie.</p><p>The blonde is all she can think about and the kindness that she showed to both Toni and her brothers, it was obvious that she misjudged the other woman, wrote her off way too quickly. She was way to proud to admit that though.</p><p>“Toni,” She blinks. “Toni!” She shakes her head and looks over at Martha who has a bit of spit up on her shoulder.</p><p>“Oh shit, sorry,” Toni mumbles while taking out a burpee cloth. “Sorry,” She gives shakes her head again, offering her best friend a smile.</p><p>Marty looks at her, suspension written all over her face. “Where were you just then, you totally spaced out on me.”</p><p>Toni would lie, but Marty has a knack of picking up on her bullshit so she just offers up a half hearted shrug as she stops her foot from taping on the floor.</p><p>“She’s thinkin’ about Miss. Shelby.” Tommy, who in true Tommy fashion admits as he finishes eating the frosting and only the frosting off his doughnut. “She came over to help when Toby puked everywhere!”</p><p>Martha is at a loss for words and Toni feels like she wants to dig herself a hole to lie in. “Wait, that blonde neighbor of yours came over? The same blonde who you get into drunken rants about? She came over?”</p><p>“I do not get into drunken rants—” She suddenly stops her argument at the look on Martha’s face, the raised brow, the straight lips and sinks in her chair. “Well, it was Tommy’s fault.”</p><p>“Uh-huh, blame the four-year-old.” Marty laughs with a roll of her eyes.</p><p>“No, Tommy decided to wander out of the house in his freaking underwear and bathrobe and Shelby found him and ambushed me!” Okay so total lie, and as per usual, Marty picks it up. “Okay, she offered to help and she helped.”</p><p>“Miss. Shelby’s pretty, Toni thinks she’s pretty too.” Tommy’s shit eating grin says it all, Toni flushes.</p><p>Marty looks amused as she looks between the two and her silence just eggs Toni on. “I might have misjudged her, alright? She’s an okay person and she had no problem stepping in and I appreciated it.”</p><p>“Aw, Toni!” Martha coos. “You made a friend, I’m so proud of you!”</p><p>Toni rubs her temples as she lets out an annoyed growl. “She’s not my friend, she’s my neighbor.”</p><p>Tommy gets up on his knees and edges closer to Marty. “And Toni has a crush on her.” He not so discreetly whispers. “Toni and Miss. Shelby sittin’ in a tree.”</p><p>“Oh my god,” Toni bemoans as she buries her face into her arms. “Dude, she’s married.” She tries to correct the young child who just shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>“So? He’s a poop head.” Tommy decides as he pulls Toni’s untouched doughnut towards him. “And Miss. Shelby knows it.”</p><p>“Marty, do you want to take this kid home with you?”</p><p>Marty snorts. “Toni 2.0, no thank you.” She then looks over at Tommy. “Keep me updated okay?”</p><p>Toni rolls her eyes when Tommy gives Marty a thumbs up. “You remember what my name looks like on your sister’s phone, right?”</p><p>“Yup, the one with all the puppy faces!” Tommy chirps. “And it begins with an M!”</p><p>Marty smirks as she reaches over to ruffle his hair as Toni sighs. “You’re a masochist.”  And buries herself in her coffee as Martha lets out a laugh. </p><p>Toni knew she was in trouble as soon as her blonde neighbor walked into her house.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Your Ivy Grows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In this chapter, Andrew is a dick, Shelby and Toni bond, Toni is a useless lesbian, Toni realizes that she has a crush on Shelby and much more.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sunday night creeps on Toni much too quickly for her liking. It’s a bit of a struggle to get all three boys to bed, it’s why she’s out on her front porch treating herself to a beer in a cigarette. The cold February air bites at her face as she sits on her step, baby monitor right by her side just in case.</p><p>However, when commotion does start, it’s not from her house, but the house next store and it starts with two voices, muffled yelling. Something in the house shatters and then the door slams open, making Toni scramble to attention.</p><p>“You’re such a frigid bitch, Shelby!” Andrew’s voice cuts through the night.</p><p>Toni’s on high alert as she stands up, leaning against the column of the porch. She’ll wait, watch and if anything gets violent, step in.</p><p>“And you’re a fuckin’ asshole, when I say no, I mean no!” Shelby screams back.</p><p>Andrew growls, almost like a child having a temper tantrum. “You’re my wife, I can do whatever I fucking want when I want!”</p><p>“No,” Shelby bites back. “That’s not how it works, I’m not your property, Andrew.”</p><p>There is a long pause, heavy breathing and then. “Shelby,” Andrew’s voice is low- threatening. “I will call your dad.”</p><p><br/>
Shelby lets out this bitter laugh. “Go ahead, I don’t give a shit.” At least they’re not screaming for the whole street to hear anymore. “What’s he gonna do, send me away again? Fuck, I’d welcome it, Andrew. If it gets me away from you, I’d welcome it with open arms.”</p><p>“You’re a freak.”</p><p>“Go to hell, Andrew.”</p><p>Toni can hear Andrew cursing under his breath, a car door opening and then the engine roaring to life before it speeds down the road. She counts to thirty before she walks over to the chain link fence that separates their yards. “Hey, uh-”</p><p>Shelby’s still standing on her front porch, only illuminated by the buzzing light from above. She looks disheveled, but not a mark in sight, but tear tracks on her face when she turns to look at Toni. “Oh, Toni I,” She swallows hard. “I didn’t wake the kids, did I?”</p><p>Toni sighs, how is she thinking about others when she looks like she’s been through hell. “Naw, they could sleep through a tornado if they wanted too.” Toni’s eyes look her up and down. “You wanna come over? I could make you some coffee?”</p><p>Shelby looks back into her house and then over at Toni as she wipes a tear off her cheek. “Yeah,” She clears her throat. “Yeah, coffee would be great.”</p><p>“Maybe make it Irish?” Toni offers, smiling at the wet laugh that Shelby lets out.</p><p>“Even better.”</p><p>And Toni feels a pang of something in her heart when Shelby pads over in nothing but a silky nightgown and bare feet, so much so that she shrugs off her coat- well her moms coat and drapes over her shoulders once Shelby enters her yard. Shelby gets this little smile as she thanks her, snaking her arms through the sleeves while Toni tries to hide the way Shelby’s smile made her face heat up.</p><p> </p><p>A silence falls between them as Toni turns the coffee on and Shelby sits down on one of the stools at the counter, her nails drumming against the countertop while Toni unlocks the liquor cabinet, smirking at Shelby’s raised brow. “Gotta keep it locked up,” She grunts while standing on her tippy toes to reach. “Carla likes it that way.”</p><p>“Carla?” Shelby questions.</p><p>“The social worker, she uh- has a strong moral compass.” She stretches her fingers out to reach now, cursing off whatever asshole pushed the bottle of whiskey this far back. It was probably Alex, Martha’s fiancé.</p><p>But then. “Here, let me.” And Shelby is right beside her, shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm, and Toni’s senses are yet again invaded by the faint smell of her perfume. Toni wants to dive out of the way, put some space between them, nothing good came from crushing on a straight woman, especially a straight married woman.</p><p>Shelby turns to look at her as she unscrewed the top of the dark green bottle and takes a swing.</p><p>And Toni knows she’s fucking screwed, she knows that her eyes fell to the lips the pressed against the bottle and she knew that Shelby caught her. She knows because Shelby’s bright green eyes lock with hers and Toni finally backs up, just an inch as she swallows past the lump in her throat. “Um- thanks.” Toni mutters, feeling the back of her neck heat up. She is trying really hard to play it cool, but for some reason, Shelby made that next to impossible. “You wanna grab the mugs too, since you’re already up.”</p><p>Shelby smirks as she passes her the bottle. “Can’t reach those either?”</p><p>“Usually, I do this death-defying stunt where I scale the counter like I’m spiderman or something, but since you’re here.” Toni tapped the side of the whiskey. “Figured you could save me the trouble.”</p><p>That earns a small laugh from Shelby and Toni points out the cabinet that the mugs called home. She pulls out two, one with Tommy’s handprint on it, a gift from Mother’s Day. She remembered how proud he had been when he presented it to her during his Mother’s Day brunch at his preschool. He had been so proud of himself at his rainbow-colored handprint, bragging about how he picked all the colors since he loved them all. “This is adorable.” She points to the perfect handprint. “I love the rainbow,” She muses before she puts it down in front of Toni.</p><p>“Yeah, Tommy claimed it was because he loved all the colors, and the kid puts up a good argument so his teacher didn’t bother to talk him out of it.”</p><p>“I’m guessing he gets those-” she pauses. “Persuasive skills from you?”</p><p>“Persuasive,” Toni snorts. “Never heard my skill to argue until I’m blue in the face called that before.”</p><p>“Well, you always manage to piss off Andrew- so I find it pretty admirable.” Shelby confesses as she makes her way over to the stool again.</p><p>Toni smiles sadly at her as she leans on the counter. “Yeah, he’s a dick.” She doesn’t even apologize for her statement and Shelby nods in agreement, so she has reason to believe that Shelby is on the same page. “Are you okay though, I mean do you wanna talk about it? All that stuff that went down?”</p><p>Shelby looks down at her perfectly manicured nails and shrugs. “He just- he is old fashion. More so taught to be old fashion.” Shelby explains. “We were both taught the same values.”</p><p>“Expect you are not a raging homophobe.” Toni points out before she turns to grab the coffee pot.</p><p>“Oh, no- I was like that, back when I was a kid, before I knew better- before I knew that I was-” She clears her throat as her eyes met Toni’s. “It’s just that, Andrew thinks that he owns me, and he’s frustrated because I’m never in ‘The Mood’ as he calls it.” She takes a quick breath. “I know he gets it from the women at the bar and I honestly don’t care- but every once and a while he’ll try and then we end up in an argument.” She leans on her hand. “Hell, he didn’t even make it far on our wedding night.” She adds with a laugh when Toni raises a brow. “It’s true that I don’t know much about the inner workings of sex, I just know that it’s not supposed to hurt- so it didn’t get far at all.” She shrugs. “He stormed out that night, came back the next mornin’ smelling like my cousin Mary-Beth’s perfume cheap beer.” Shelby confesses. “I just- I wonder if there is something wrong with me.”</p><p>“There is nothing wrong with you Shelby.” Toni quickly assures her. “Maybe you’re just, I don’t know, not attracted to him?”</p><p>Shelby seems to take what Toni offered up and nods. “Maybe,” She sighs. “And maybe I should look into getting that divorce.”</p><p>That word alone makes Toni’s ears perk up and if she wasn’t hyper focused on Shelby before, she was now. “Oh?” And Toni mentally slaps herself for that reply, she could have come up with something better than ‘Oh’.</p><p>“God,” Shelby laughs and looks up at the ceiling. “I’m so sorry, I barely know you and here I am unloading everything on you. I’m just so done with pretending that I’m this perfect wife in this perfect marriage and promising my perfect mom that there will be perfect little grandchildren someday.”</p><p>“That’s a lot of perfects for one human to live up to.” Toni cracks and Shelby rolls her eyes. “Especially when you’re not in love with your ‘perfect’ husband.”</p><p>Shelby scoffs as she pushes the coat Toni lent her off her shoulder. “I’ll tell you one thing, he ripped the strap of my favorite nightgown. He thought I put it on for him.”</p><p>“Did you?” Toni asks.</p><p>“Hell no,” Shelby rolls her eyes. “I didn’t think he would be coming home tonight, so I put it on for myself- and now it’s garbage.”</p><p>Toni can’t help but to laugh as she rounds the counter and dares herself to walk into Shelby’s space. She carefully reaches out, gages her reaction and when Shelby doesn’t flinch away, she daintily picks up the thin, silky strap and shrugs her shoulders. “It’ can be fixed.”</p><p>“And how do you plan on doing that?” Shelby breathes and Toni wonders if she other woman is flushing because of the heat in the house or at their closeness, so she does what she does best, she cracks a joke.</p><p>“There is this new invention, you’d love it- it’s called a needle and thread.” Toni drops the strap, letting it fall gently onto Shelby’s soft skin.</p><p>“You know how to sew?” Shelby slowly asks and Toni nods.</p><p>“And you don’t?” Toni shoots back, smiling at the annoyed look Shelby gives her. “Well of all people, Shelby, I am shocked.”</p><p>Shelby lets out this bell of laughter, it’s cute, Toni thinks- maybe a little dorky but still cute. “You are a smartass.” There is no venom in her voice, not like with Andrew, just this playfulness to her. “And maybe we can skip the coffee, go right to the whiskey?”</p><p>“You read my mind, blondie.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They both plop down onto Toni’s well-worn couch once Toni grabs her grandma’s sewing kit from the desk drawer and Shelby takes Toni’s coat as Toni’s fingers work to thread the needle. She scoots close, Shelby does until their knees brush together.</p><p>Toni feels like a goddamn teenager when her fingers brush against Shelby’s shoulder. She can’t remember the last time she had gotten this flustered over a single person; it had been to long ago. In this close proximity they are in now, it’d be easy for Toni to lean in and test if Shelby’s lips were as soft as she thought. She doesn’t though, but she gets to the task of fixing the strap, realizing it would be better if Shelby would just take it off- Toni could give her one of her shirts, but the thought of Shelby in her clothes. She licked her lips, swearing to herself that it was only because she was concentrating and not because she was still think about Shelby.</p><p>“So, since you know all about my romantic history, do you have anyone special in your life?” Shelby asks her.</p><p>Toni’s eyes flick up to her for a moment before she quickly finishes the quick fix of Shelby’s nightgown. She figured it would only take one or two stiches and she was right. She was also right to put a small space between them because self-control was becoming a bit hard for Toni. “I did,” She admits, gratefully accepting the bottle of alcohol that Shelby passes to her. “It’s been a dry four years. My last serious relationship didn’t end well. She uh- she thought I was ruining my life when I took Tommy on.” Toni can’t help the way her leg bounces as she explains. “It wasn’t really that reason that broke us up, it was the fact that I uh-,” She really doesn’t want Shelby to judge the Toni of the past, but the blonde was honest with her. “I got so fucking pissed that I lost control, broke the rear window of her car and immediately regretted it because if she called the cops,” She takes a breath.</p><p>“You would have lost Tommy?” Shelby finishes for her, sounding as if she understands Toni’s outburst. At least she wasn’t running for the hills yet. “So, I’m guessing she didn’t?”</p><p>Toni shakes her head. “No, I offered to replace it for free, take the cost out of my salary. Her mom though, she was out for blood, but we were both adults so there was nothing she could do. Regan is a lot of things, but she at least understood what I could have lost.”</p><p>“Regan, the bar tender at Charlies?” Shelby suddenly asks.</p><p>“Yeah, why?”</p><p>Shelby shrugs. “I’ve just run into her a few times, she’s real pretty.” She clears her throat and then inspects the torn fabric that Toni fixed, a grateful smile on her face. “Why did she think having Tommy would ruin your life?”</p><p>Shelby was full of questions tonight and this one, Toni wasn’t sure she was that comfortable about answering. Does she tell her that yes, she did drop out of college for these kids? A scholarship that offered her a full ride through basketball, that she ended up working full time at the garage. Would she look at her with the same disappointment as Regan did?</p><p>This was Shelby though, Shelby who seemed to have her own skeletons, not Regan. Even though she decides to give her the short version, excluding her full ride to school. “I had to drop out of college, pick up fulltime hours at the garage, so a lot of people thought I was either throwing my life away or that I was just gonna end up like my mom.”</p><p>To be completely fair, Toni hadn’t felt a comforting touch from anyone other than Martha Blackburn’s famous bear hugs in years, so she almost jumps when Shelby’s hand covers hers. It’s almost intimate, the way she laces their fingers together, giving her hand a squeeze. “The thing about college is that it is always there, you can always go back.” Shelby reassures her and even though Toni only told her the half of it, she still feels this warmth bloom in her chest. “And it’s not like you could ever end up like your mom, I mean- a part of that would require a bad taste in men and which you don’t have a taste for whatsoever.”</p><p>That makes Toni snort out in laughter, who would know that Shelby would be comfortable with making a gay joke. “You got a point there.”</p><p>“Can I ask,” Shelby moves closer towards her, as if that was even possible at this time. “How old where you when you- you know, came out?”</p><p>Toni is a little taken back before she lets out an awkward laugh. “God, I’ve been gay as long as I could remember.” She tells her. “There was this one girl that used to live up the street, Stephine St. Claire, I had the hugest crush on her when I was nine and I bullied the hell out of her. I used to think it was because she was mean to me- which she was. I mean her name was Stephine for god sake and most Stephines I know are-”</p><p>“Bitches?” Shelby finishes, dry coughing as she takes another long drink from their shared bottle.</p><p>“Exactly,” Toni’s eyes widen. “Anyway, she’d strut around- her blonde hair always done so perfectly with the neighborhood boys trailing behind her. They’d tease me about stupid shit and I’d steal her dolls throw them in dumpsters, trashcans, into oncoming traffic-”</p><p>“Toni!” Shelby giggles. “That was cruel towards those poor dolls.”</p><p>“Hey, nine-year-old Toni had no game and she wanted a pretty girl to notice her, what can you expect?” Toni defends, sharing Shelby’s smile. “But, of course she didn’t notice me.”</p><p>“And what happened to Stephine St. Claire?” Shelby muses. “Betcha she’s kicking herself now.”</p><p>“Oh, she ended up moving away and I fucking sobbed for a week.” Toni tells her. “She found me on Facebook, has kids now married twice and this new dude she’s with is like fifty so I dodged a bullet there.” She shrugs. “But to answer your question, I officially came out when I was fourteen and my grandparents were actually really supportive.”</p><p>“That’s really nice,” Shelby hums. “That your grandparents didn’t care, especially coming out that young. Most people say that you’re too young to figure out what you like or force you to be who they want you to be.”</p><p>Toni nods. “Seems like you know a lot about that.”</p><p>Shelby smiles sadly and gently pulls her hand away from Toni’s. “Yeah,” She says in a soft voice. “Yeah, I do.” She looks over her shoulder and at the front door, looking a bit paler now with the knowledge that she’d have to return to that house.</p><p>There is a beat before Toni looks at the clock. “Hey, if you want to spend the night here. This couch pulls out into a bed so.”</p><p>“Toni, I don’t want to intrude.” Shelby begins, however Toni is stubborn and she knows the type of things that men like Andrew are capable of.</p><p>“If you don’t feel safe, then you shouldn’t go back.” She states out the obvious and Shelby nods. “Just lemme get the sheets-”</p><p>“I can help,” Shelby offers but Toni shakes her head. “C’mon, Toni, I don’t want to feel useless.”</p><p>Toni figures that her own stubbornness has easily met it’s match with Shelby because she easily gives in and leads Shelby upstairs to the linin closet. They grab a set of sheets a warm blanket and make the bed together, Toni finds it all strangely domestic, even if it was currently two in the morning. Once the bed is make, Toni wishes her a goodnight before she climbs up the stairs towards her own bed and wonders if the blonde would be there when she woke up.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>However instead of her usual six am wake up call, she gets a three-thirty am wake up call thanks to Andrew and his drunken yells and slamming on her front door. The shrill screams of Tommy and the other two boys make her bolt from her warm bed and she gently pushes a sobbing Tommy into his room, telling him to stay put. She takes the steps two at a time, stopping at the landing to grab the old wooden baseball bat that hung from an old metal hook as Andrew hollers and pounds on the door.</p><p>“Shelby, C’mon, Shelby! I know you’re in there.” He mumbles something else and then. “I- I know what you’re doing with that- with her, I’m not stupid, I know.”</p><p>Toni looks over at Shelby who is sitting up on the sofa bed, frozen in place. She puts a finger to her lips and then whispers. “Go see if the boys are okay? I’ll handle him.”</p><p>“Toni,” Shelby pleads, fear written all over her face. “It’s not worth it.”</p><p>“I’m not gonna hurt him, just please- go make sure the boys are okay.” Toni has no idea how she managed to convince Shelby, or get her to trust her at that point because she gives a quick nod and quietly sprints up the stairs. Toni makes sure she is out of sight when she opens the door just a bit, leaving the chain lock on so he couldn’t force himself in. “What the fuck, Andrew? Do you get off at scaring small children?”</p><p>Andrew pushes against the door and Toni pushes back. “I know my wife’s in there, D-don’t you tell me she isn’t.” He slurs. “I know exactly what you two are doin’ behind my back- it’s fuckin’,” He hiccups. “It’s fuckin’ disgusting.”</p><p>Toni chuckles darkly. “Go home, Andrew, she’s not here. Can’t blame her though if she left your ass.”</p><p>“I see the way she looks at you,” He accuses. “I see it and it’s your fault- she was fine before she met you. You and your fuckin’-” Another hiccup. “Perverted lifestyle.”</p><p>“Andrew, again, she’s not here and if you don’t leave, I’m calling the cops.” Toni threatens with an eyeroll, it’s to early for this shit.</p><p>He scoffs. “The cops, ha. Little lady, I am the law.”</p><p>“You’re a fucking mall cop,” Toni laughs. “Not the fucking law, asshat.”</p><p>He grumbles something again and Toni sighs. “Look, man. I don’t know what to tell her, but she’s not here, I saw a red car in front of the house a few hours ago and she got in and left.”</p><p>Silence and then. “Fuck, she left me. I’ll- I’ll find her though, or she’ll come crawlin’ back and then me and her daddy, we’ll fix her. She’s not allowed to live like you.”</p><p>“Well, you fucking deserve it so. I hope she left for good.”</p><p>There is silence again and snow crunching under his boots. “Fuck you, Shalifoe.” He is away from the door now, wobbling down the stairs. “This is your fucking fault.”</p><p>“Go home, Andrew.” Toni repeats and he does just that- before he passes out on the sidewalk in front of the home he shared with Shelby. Toni knows it’s bad karma but she doesn’t help him and she hopes the bitterness of the night gets to him.</p><p>Once the coast is clear, she locks the door back up before she goes up the stairs to find Shelby in Teddy’s room. All three boys are snuggled against her and Toni can tell that she is holding back tears as she kneels down in front of her. “You are not going back there,” She firmly tells her. “For your own metal health and wellbeing, you are not going back there. You can stay here or with someone else.”</p><p>“There isn’t anywhere else.” She tells her. “Or anyone else.”</p><p>Toni nods. “Then you can stay here, we’ll get your stuff tomorrow when he leaves. I’ll call out today.”</p><p>“You don’t have to do this,” Shelby tells her. “You barely know me.”</p><p>“True, but I don’t think you’re some sort of serial killer. I mean unless you and Andrew work in pairs and your basement is some sort of murder dungeon.” Toni teases, feeling warm when Shelby smiles. “I can see it, whatever it is your dealing with internally is tearing you apart and someone like Andrew isn’t going to help.”</p><p>“He’ll know I’m here.” Shelby points out and Toni nods her head. “Aren’t you worried about the kids?”</p><p>“Nah, we can just sick Toby on him. He’s cutting teeth and needs something to chew on.” Toni points to the toddler who was nodding off. “We’ll be fine.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It turned out that having her neighbor that she barely knew but was getting to know live with her wasn’t all bad. Toni mainly deals with picking the kids, dropping them off at Daycare and picking them up, buying their clothes and food, but Shelby’s the one always done work before her so there is always a warm meal waiting. She doesn’t want Shelby to think that Toni allowed her to stay to be some live-in babysitter.</p><p>Truthfully, it’s nice having another adult around to talk too and they talk a lot, mainly after the kids are put to bed, the nightly routine including Shelby because Tommy can’t get enough, and Toni can’t blame him. She realizes her crush on Shelby after the blondes first few weeks on her sofa bed, it’s when Toni descends the stairs, still half asleep when she sees the other woman in a pair of sleep shorts and a worn t-shirt. To be fair she was half asleep until Shelby reached for the bread and the shirt decided to ride up her back.</p><p>Toni had to remind herself that it was just a back, just skin, but it wasn’t. It was Shelby and her warm smile and the gentle twang in her voice that Tommy often tried to copy. It was the way she would sing so softly to Teddy, a lot of the times it was that lullaby from <em>Tarzan </em>and Toni actually fucking cries when she hears Shelby sing it for the first time.</p><p>She could easily blame PMS, but Tarzan had been one of her favorites. It was that found family shit that always messed with her, even as an adult.</p><p>And she knows this living arrangement isn’t permanent. She knows Shelby would move on, meet a nicer guy than Andrew and settle down, so she enjoys it for now.</p><p>What she really enjoys is watching Andrew get served with the divorce papers, she really fucking loved that. It had been below freezing that morning, but Toni still sprinted outside in bare feet, coffee spilling along the way just to watch the mother fucker squirm. He sends a glare Toni’s way and Toni flipped him off, like she did every morning.</p><p>At first Andrew doesn’t give up, he sends flowers which get placed on the front porch of his house. The comes the phone calls and the begging outside the window which stops when Toni calls him pathetic. Next, it’s the phone calls from her dad and mom which Shelby ignores, telling Toni they’d give up soon.</p><p>And she can only hope the shadow that was Dave Goodkind never came banging on her door.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s a month though when Toni’s at work, rolled under some car as she works, shooting the breeze with Dot and Fatin when her boss, Fatin’s stepdad comes into the garage. “Toni, phone for you.”</p><p>Toni rolls out from under the car and sits up. “Everything okay?” She asks as she wipes off her greasy hands.</p><p>“Ah, I don’t know- it’s one of your brother’s teachers.” The older man grumbles before passing her the cordless phone.</p><p>She sighs as she listens to the teacher, Teddy spiked a fever, had small bumps on his hands and feet- and oh, did she forget to mention that ‘Hand, Foot and Mouth’ was going around. He had to be picked up as soon as possible.</p><p>It’s like her boss almost knows what she is about to ask before he shakes his head and walks away. She knows she can’t leave, she tells the teacher that and the teacher tells her to ‘make some calls.’</p><p>Which she does, Marty is busy and so is Alex- she gets shot down when she looks at Dot and Fatin tells her not to bother.</p><p>“Why don’t you just call that girl that you totally U-Hauled with.” Fatin offers up, not even looking up from her fingernails. “She loves Satan’s Little Helpers as if they were her own.”</p><p>Toni groans into her hands. “Christ, Fatin- I told you, it’s not like that. She’s straight.”</p><p>“Uh-huh, whatever helps you avoid intimacy.” Fatin sighs.</p><p>“What is that supposed to mean?” Toni barks.</p><p>“It means she’s totally not straight.” Dot chimes in. “I mean, c’mon Toni. Shelby totally has a crush on you, and you have a thing for her, but that relationship with Regan fucked you up so much-”</p><p>Toni shakes her head. “You both don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“Uh yes, we do.” Fatin points her nail file at her. “Shelby is gay, the only straight thing about her is her straight up crush on you. She’s just been repressed, my god, you’ve been living together for how long and your gaydar hasn’t gone off. Toni, darling, I’m embarrassed for you.”</p><p>“I- she- she doesn’t like me like that.” Toni decides only to roll her eyes when Dot shakes her head.</p><p>“Nah, your wrong. C’mon, dude- I saw the way she looked at you.” Dot turns to work on the bike she has been working on.</p><p>“Yeah, like she totally wants to kiss you until your both breathless and jump you bones, the girl is into you.” Fatin adds. “Just text her and ask her to pick the kid up, you said she had the day off today.”</p><p>“She took a personal day, I can’t bother her with a sick baby.” Toni tries to explain, only to fall to the peer pressure thanks to the look on Dot and Fatin’s face. “Fine, but she won’t answer.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“Hey, can I ask for a favor?”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“Of course, what’s up?”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“Listen, you can totally say no, but Teddy’s teacher called, he’s sick and he needs someone to pick him up, problem is I can’t get out of work. So, do you think you can get him?”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“Help is on the way, dear </strong>
  <strong>😊”</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Toni lets out a laugh of all things which cause Dot and Fatin to look at her with a shit eating grin. Alright, so Shelby was fucking adorable when she wanted to be, but it didn’t mean that she had a crush on Toni. She was just being helpful. So, Toni gives them both the middle finger before she responds to Shelby, the smile not leaving her face.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>“Alright, Mrs. Doubtfire, slow your roll. You’re not on his approved pick-up list, so I’ll call the teacher and let her know who you are and what you’ll look like. You’ll just need to show her your driver’s license.”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“And Shelby?”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“Yeah?”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“Thank you, it means a lot.”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>“No problem, Toni.”</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“See?” Fatin points out, “Was that so hard?” She continues to tease her, all in good manner. “And you, are blushing.”</p><p>Toni grunts as she lets her phone fall in her lap. “I am not, Dot- tell her I’m not.”</p><p>Dot looks over, a sly smirk on her face. “Dude, you are as red as my bike- it’s so obvious that our little Toni is falling hard for her blonde, Christian, neighbor.”</p><p>Fatin shrugs. “More like roommate now, remember they U-Hauled.”</p><p>“Ah right,” She agrees. “Forgot about that.” Dot puts down her wrench and sends her a lopsided smirk. “You really are a useless lesbian, you know that right?”</p><p>“I fucking hate you guys.” Toni grumbles before she scoots herself back under the car. She figured the faster she got done, the faster she could get the other two boys’ home and relieve Shelby of sick baby duty.</p><p>She sends Shelby a few texts later on her lunch break, just to make sure that Teddy’s okay and that she’s okay to be fair. Toni had to hide the smile from Fatin and Dot when a picture message of Teddy asleep on Shelby’s chest pops up on her screen. Shelby is smiling into his wispy red curls and lets her know they are doing just fine.</p><p>Sadly, Fatin catches her gazing at the picture and caught help but to call it as she saw it with a sing-songy “Smitten” As she passes by and Toni prays for the time to pass quickly, especially because she is under the watchful gaze of Fatin and Dot.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. And Now I'm Covered in You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Warnings a head for a discussion of conversation camp and therapy and smut later in the chapter.</p><p>In this chapter, Toni discovers Shelby was a horse girl, they watch Spirit (great movie and I will stand by my statement that it is far better than the lion king) Shelby comes out and they finally get together.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Might have to extend the 5 chapters to six or seven. Who knows, not my brain I can tell you that right now.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Toni’s workday finally ends, she can’t make it to the daycare fast enough for a few reasons, one being that she feels bad for dumping Teddy onto Shelby, two being that Teddy is sick and probably uncomfortable, three being that she needed to escape Dot and Fatin’s teasing. Toni knew it was in all good fun- but she couldn’t get her hopes up about Shelby feeling the same way because it was far from the truth. She does text Shelby and lets her know not to worry about dinner, that she’ll pick something up because Shelby has done enough for her and the boys today. Toby’s teacher playfully questions her about Shelby, apparently it had been the gossip going around the building today. The pretty blonde woman who soothed a screaming Teddy in seconds as soon as she picked him up. Tommy’s teacher walks over to her as she signs him out and tells her. “Don’t let that one go, she’s a good one.”</p><p>However, as fate would have it, she runs into Regan- and Andrew at Toni’s Olive Garden on a date. Her jaw, (thankfully not Toby who is in her arms) drops at the sight of the odd couple. She is quick to grab her meal, offers the woman a thank you before she rushes out the door, still trying to piece together what the fuck she just saw. Part of her wonders if she should warn Regan what she is getting herself into, the other part of her knows that she’ll just be accused of being a ‘jealous’ ex when in reality, she really isn’t. She’s over Regan, she has been over Regan, and Toni’s mind is on someone else now.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As she unlocks the door, she puts a finger to her lips to let Tommy know not to be too loud since Teddy could be sleeping. So, she carefully opens up the door, smiling to herself when she sees Shelby on the couch with a sleeping Teddy. Tommy tip toes past to get to the kitchen and Toni set’s Toby down by his toys. “Hey,” Shelby whispers. “How was your day?”</p><p>Toni glances over at her. She looks comfortable with her hair pulled up in a messy bun, still in lounge wear and it makes Toni wonder what it would be like to go over and kiss the top of her blonde head. She wonders how nice it would be to cuddle up beside her and tell her about her day, to tell her about what her co-workers said or Tommy’s teacher. Toni yearns for it, she knows it’s just a pipe dream but she wants it so bad. “Same old, same old.” She decides as she walks into the kitchen, putting the brown bags that held their dinner on the counter. “Fatin stopped by, her and Dot teamed up on me.” She casually tells her as she takes out Tommy’s meal first, directing him to the kitchen table.</p><p>“Yeah, about what?” Shelby’s voice rings out from the family room. She hears movement, a rustling of fabric, her speaking softly to one of the boys as before she walks into the kitchen.</p><p>Toni shrugs. “Ah, you know- the usual.” She can feel the other woman behind her- more so smell that perfume that drove her insane. Toni turned around slightly to give Shelby her food. “Mostly about you to be honest.” She watches as Shelby’s look of amusement. “They think- well Fatin thinks that we uh, do you know what the u-hauling means?”</p><p>Shelby blinks as she juts out her bottom lip. “You mean like- the moving company?” She asks and then nods her head. “Yeah, it’s a moving company- you rent the truck to move.”</p><p>“I mean yeah, it is a truck rental service,” Toni tries to hold back her laughter as walks into the family room to grab Toby, smiling a bit when she spots Teddy sleeping in the pack and play. “It’s also this stereotype for lesbians and since I’m gay-” She trails off just a bit, relived that she couldn’t see the look on Shelby’s face. “She made the joke.”</p><p>Toni half expects Shelby be annoyed or look uncomfortable, but she doesn’t. Instead, she’s next to Tommy, cutting up his meatball with a fork and snorts out a laugh. “Is it like derogatory?” Shelby questions. “To say that to a lesbian?”</p><p>“I mean depending on who is saying it or the context, yeah- like if Andrew said it.” Toni begins, putting Toby in his booster seat.</p><p>“You’d cut his dick off?”</p><p>Toni laughs. “And feed it to Ms. Rose’s Pitbull.” She nods towards Tommy’s plate. “You don’t have to do that, relax and eat. You’ve done enough.”</p><p>“It’s just a meatball and spaghetti, Toni.” Shelby reminds her. “And I loved spending the day with Teddy, he’s such a sweet boy.” Green eyes flick up to meet hers. “I like helping you and I like spending time with these boys, it keeps my mind off the stuff going on.”</p><p>“I just don’t want you to feel forced,” She breaks the eye contact as she cuts Toby’s meal up. “Like you are a live-in nanny or something.”</p><p>“Toni,” It makes Toni look back over at her. “I don’t feel forced or obligated. I like it here with the boys and you, okay?”</p><p>Toni offers her a nod, she feels a bit more at ease with Shelby’s confession. “Uh, thank you.” She clears her throat. “How was he today? After you picked him up.”</p><p>“He was a bit fussy; I gave him something to bring his fever down.” She checks the watch on her wrist. “He’ll need more around six, I just tried to make him comfortable.”</p><p>“He looked pretty comfy in that picture you sent me.” Toni points out as she grabs her own dinner and sits down across from her. “His teacher didn’t give you a hard time when you picked him up?”</p><p>Shelby smirks as she twirls her noodles on her fork. “Actually, if looks could kill- that woman has a thing for you. She shot daggers at me, totally jealous. Not that I could blame her.” She adds with a smile.</p><p>Toni fumbles with her fork because she can’t read that smile. Toni was beyond good at reading people, it was a gift she picked up early in life, but one that somehow Shelby was immune to because Toni still can’t read her.</p><p>“Yeah,” Toni gives off a nervous laugh. “Miss. Stella is a bit- intense. She was Toby’s teacher too, thought she’d be over it by now.”</p><p>Shelby hums. “Seems like she isn’t, she just handed me Teddy and some paper about how to treat hand, foot and mouth and walked away.” She pauses. “How come you don’t date anymore?”</p><p>“Oh, that is some great costumer service right there.” Toni whistles and then licks her lips, drumming her fork against her container. “It’s hard, bringing someone into this,” She gestures at the boys. “A lot of people think they can handle it, until they run for the hills. So, it’s just better that I don’t and avoid the drama and the heart break that comes with the territory.”</p><p>“Well, if I knew I was currently mooching off of Hopewell Lake’s most eligible bachelorette-” Shelby teases before Toni jumps in.</p><p>“Shelby, you’re not mooching off me.” Toni assures her. “I told you, take as long as you need to get your shit together.”</p><p>Shelby nods. “Yeah,” she smiles so softly that it makes Toni’s heart flip. “You really are a catch, aren’t you? I can see why Miss. Stella was jealous.”</p><p>Toni has no idea how to respond to that one, was she- was she <em>flirting </em>right now? She knows it’s been four long years since she last thought about being with someone and she can’t remember the last time she flirted with another woman.</p><p>“Are we gonna watch a movie tonight?” Tommy’s voice interrupts them and Toni thanks any high power up above for the small child’s randomness. “Cause Friday nights are movie nights.” He states in a matter-of-fact tone.</p><p>“Yeah,” Toni nods her head. “Of course, it is movie night after all. What do you wanna watch tonight?”</p><p>“I was thinking-” Tommy beings.</p><p>“If you say Mulan, I will ram my head into a wall.” Toni warns. “Same goes for Frozen, I can’t do that one again. We got to pick something new.”</p><p>Tommy seems to mull it over and thinks, and thinks- it’s taking too long. “I got an idea!” He suddenly exclaims. “We should let Shelby pick our movie tonight.”</p><p>Toni smiles, arching a brow toward her brother before her eyes flick over to Shelby. “Wow, now that is quite the honor.” She coolly says as she twirls her spaghetti on her fork. “So, what’s it gonna be?</p><p>Shelby sits back on her chair, tapping her pointer finger to her lips before she decides. “How about Spirit?” Tommy looks confused and Toni starts laughing, which causes Shelby to nudge her foot from under the table. “What, it’s a good movie.”</p><p>“The one about the horses right?” Toni asks and Shelby nods. “Oh my god, Marty owes me a coffee. I knew you were a horse girl!” Toni accuses teasingly.</p><p>“What’s a horse girl? Shelby, are you part horse?” Tommy gasps and Shelby looks between them, mouth a gaped.</p><p>Still laughing Toni shakes her head. “No, little man, it just means that she was obsessed with horses as a kid.”</p><p>“I was not,” Shelby calmly defends. “I may or may not have had a few horse memorabilia-”</p><p>“You had those blue-ribbon horses, didn’t you- maybe a rhinestone horse shirt. C’mon, Shel, be honest.” Toni leans across the table. “I bet your first build a bear was a horse.” Toni knows she has a sly smirk on her face and her confidence boosts a little when Shelby’s green gaze flicks down to her lips for a brief second.  “You’re a shit liar, you know that.”</p><p>“Okay, maybe I was a horse girl.” Shelby admits. “But it was middle school, what else did you expect from a girl livin’ in Texas?”</p><p>“You still have that build a bear horse, don’t you?” Toni smugly states, enjoying the way Shelby flushes.</p><p>“Careful, Shalifoe. Because I may have the knowledge that you were a vampire girl.” Shelby shoots back, matching her smug look.</p><p>“Who told you?”</p><p>“Marty.” A shrug, coy smirk on her lips.</p><p>“I’ll kill her.” Toni decides. “Those days were supposed to stay buried.”</p><p>“Doesn’t seem like it did, so who was it. Team Edward or Team Jacob?” Shelby wonders, lips tight against a smile.</p><p>“Ew neither,” Toni’s nose scrunches up in disgust. “I didn’t play that twilight crap, it was all Ann Rice movies for me.” She scoffs. “Team Edward, pft and the dude that played Jacob wasn’t even Native American, I can keep going on my hate towards Twilight if you want.”</p><p>Shelby shakes her head, “Nope, no I am good. No need for that,” A pause. “But did you ever try to bite anyone?”</p><p>Toni flushes yet again and decides that Martha now owes her breakfast along with the coffee from this trauma she had to endure.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The stupid movie makes Toni cry.</p><p>She hadn’t seen it since she was a kid, so she forgot how beautiful it was and when she looks over at Shelby, she sees that she’s crying too. It was like the horse version of The Lion King. She would dare say, maybe better than The Lion King.</p><p>Once the credits roll, Toni looks over to see Tommy fast asleep and Shelby already starting to doze off. She shifts a bit, to get Tommy into her arms and startles the blonde awake. “Sorry,” Toni whispers. “Just trying to get him to bed.”</p><p>Shelby stretches a bit and gives her a nod. “Yeah, you want me to check on the other two?”</p><p>Toni shifts the heavier child in her arms. “Yeah, that’d be great.”</p><p>She doesn’t want to fight the help that Shelby has been trying so hard to give. It actually makes her wonder if she fought it to be kind and not saddle her up with the burden of three kids or was it so Toni wouldn’t become subconsciously attached to Shelby.</p><p>Well, it was too late for that.</p><p>Toni knows she’s attached, and she knows it’s to late to reverse it. She pauses at the doorframe where Shelby is taking Teddy’s temperature and watches her for a moment. Toni still didn’t understand what possessed her to ask Shelby to stay, to be honest, Toni liked being alone. Now she found herself dreading the day that Shelby decided to leave and coming to terms with the fact that she doesn’t want to be alone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s why she retreats to the small deck in the backyard and lights a cigarette to calm her nerves, to think She watches as the smoke mixes in with the mist of her breath in the winter night.</p><p>She’s alone for only a few minutes until the back door opens and Shelby joins her against the rail. “You know, I saw the strangest thing today while I was taking out the trash.”</p><p>“Strange, in Hopewell?” Toni turns to face her. “C’mon, spill.”</p><p>Shelby seems to be struggling with whatever she was about to admit but decides to cut to the chase. “I saw your ex enter my hold house with my ex.”</p><p>Toni straightens, this was not how she wanted Shelby to find out. “Shelby, god, I am so-”</p><p>Shelby puts a hand up to stop her. “Toni, it’s fine. I’m over it and I’m okay with it. I just want to know if you’re okay with it, being that you and Regan had a long history.”</p><p>“Regan is old news, I’ve been over her for years now.” Toni assures her. “So yeah, she can screw whoever she wants. I think we should warn her though, about the fact that Andrew is a huge asshole.”</p><p>“Mm, I dunno.” She nods over to the house she used to live in. “I think it’s a power play.” Shelby rolls her eyes at Toni’s look of confusion. “To get us jealous. How convenient that your ex works at the bar that my ex goes to all the time?”</p><p>Toni smacks her lips together. “You know, never thought of that, but I think you have a point. They must think we’re really fucking stupid, or desperate.”</p><p>“I don’t think we’re either of those.” Shelby decides. “It’s actually more pitiful on them, I mean, why would Regan suddenly want you back?”</p><p>“Because the whole town thinks we are together, and I haven’t had a girlfriend since Regan. Apparently, she’s the jealous type.” Toni sighs. “I’ve been correcting them though, letting them know that there isn’t anything between us.” She quickly adds.</p><p>“Oh,” A look of disappointment washes over Shelby’s face and Toni’s brows furrow together.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Toni’s head tilts, does Shelby not want Toni correcting the people who asked her over and over if Shelby was her girlfriend?</p><p>“I just,” She looks down at the worn wood and then back up at Toni, her eyes are still bright and beautiful at night. “I just thought I was making it obvious.”</p><p>Toni knew this was a tread carefully moment, hell, she didn’t know what to expect from this woman anymore. “Making what obvious?”</p><p>Shelby pulls her coat tighter around her. “You remember that girl you told me about, the one that you had a crush on as a kid?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Toni answers slowly. “The story of my unrequited love and heartbreak. What about it? Did Stephine find you on Facebook?”</p><p>“No,” Shelby laughs. “It’s just- I had my own Stephine St. Claire,” She smiles softly and lets out a sigh as she turns to look away from Toni and at the snow-covered swing set. “Except her name was Becca Gilroy.”</p><p><em>“Her?”</em> Toni blurts out, realizing how stupid she must have sounded or looked right now. She can imagine how her expression looked right now; she honestly was shell shocked at Shelby’s confession. Of course, Fatin was right.</p><p>However, Shelby laughs at Toni’s outburst. “Yeah, <em>her</em>.” She turns for a second to catch Toni’s eye before looking away. “I was so in love with her, even before I understood what love was and when I did? It was hammered into my head that loving the same sex was a sin. So, I did my best, bottled it up until I couldn’t anymore.” She licks her lips as she clears her throat. “I was just starting to date Andrew when I kissed her, but it felt so right. I knew, deep down I knew that it was what I wanted” She pauses and lets out a shaky breath. “My daddy though, the one who ran conversion therapy in our living room caught us. The next day I’m being sent to ‘Guiding Light’ to be straightened out, as my daddy put it.”</p><p>“Wait, I’m sorry, what? Shelby, that’s- that’s abuse!” Toni’s fists curl with rage and she wishes Dave Goodkind was here now so she could throw him into his windshield.</p><p>Shelby nods. “Yeah, I know that now- but that place, it instilled me with so much hate. Hate for myself, hate for other people like me. They told me what my daddy told me, that if I continue to walk the sinful path, that I would be alone for the rest of my life.” She lets out a bitter laugh. “And because I was so young, I believed it. I did what I had to do to survive, I repressed it and continued to date Andrew only to marry him later out of duty. I made myself and anyone around me miserable because I was miserable, but then we moved here, and I met you.”</p><p>“And lemme guess, I totally corrupted you?” Toni tries to lighten the mood with a bit of light teasing, and she is pretty proud when a bubble of a laugh comes from the blonde.</p><p>“No, Toni. You should me without knowing that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re alone. You have Marty who is over almost every weekend and Dot, and Fatin. It showed me that my dad and the people that ran that camp lied through their teeth. Being gay doesn’t mean you lose family, it just means you gain your own if your birth family still can’t see you.”</p><p>Shelby turns to face Toni and Toni does the same when she feels her green eyes on her. “What I am trying to say is something that I’ve been struggling with for years. It’s that- I’m gay.” Shelby admits and its strange because Toni can see the weight fall off Shelby’s confession. She looks lighter now and it’s a nice look on her. “And for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable with myself to say it.” She steps closer and everything in Toni’s body screams at her to step back.</p><p>Because Shelby still deserved better, not this. Not Toni and her fucked up life, not to be held back with three kids, and a mom who was in and out of rehab like it was a fucking White Castle, not with Toni who try as she might, couldn’t regulate her own emotions. “I’m proud of you, Shelby.” She has to answer her, Toni knows if she doesn’t, Shelby would just revert back into herself. “It sounds like you’ve come so far, whoever you decide to be with will be lucky.”</p><p>“That’s the thing,” Shelby is much closer now, her hand reaches out and tentatively cups Toni’s cheeks and Toni basks in it. The touch is simple, soft, but Toni loves it. Despite herself, she allows her eyes to flutter shut and inhales Shelby’s faint perfume that she has come to love. “You’re the one who-” Her breath fans over Toni’s lips.</p><p>A shrill cry interrupts them and Toni’s eyes pop open. For once she is so happy to hear Teddy cry, she jumps away from Shelby. The blonde woman’s eyes startle open as Toni mumbles. “I gotta get him.”</p><p>“Toni,” Shelby reaches out, touching her arm, trying to stop her from running.</p><p>But Toni runs “I gotta get him.” Toni says again, her breath in her chest as she rushes inside the house, leaving Shelby behind in the cold night.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Toni doesn’t realize that she is out of breath until she is in Teddy’s room, standing over the crib as she grips the bars. Toni wasn’t crazy, she had feelings for Shelby, how could she not Shelby was everything that she could want in a person. She was beautiful, caring, funny and sweet. It lights up Toni’s day when she sees Shelby in the morning, dancing around the kitchen with Tommy- even if they are signing along to a Taylor Swift song.</p><p>She loves watching her reading to Toby with his wild dark curls, pacifier in his mouth as he listens to ‘Runaway Bunny’ for the tenth time that night. He would be so cuddled up to Shelby’s side, that is was close to impossible to move him.</p><p>And how she managed to be the first one to receive one of Teddy’s toothless smiles, only for Fatin to tell her that it was probably just gas as she painted Tommy’s nails black because he wanted to be ‘Batman’</p><p>Toni would love that for her future. Waking up to Shelby every morning would be a dream, even though Shelby would be the one to wake first, but to be able to be by her side and do normal family things with her? Toni could picture family outings to the mall, or even holidays. She wondered if Shelby would insist on family costumes for Halloween or a stupid ‘friendsgiving’. Toni wondered what Christmas morning would be like, or kissing her on New Years Eve. But she couldn’t hold Shelby back because Shelby deserved so much better.</p><p>She gently takes Teddy from his crib, takes his temperature, changes his diaper and holds him for a while until he’s asleep and she’s a bit calm. Toni gently lays him back down in his crib and takes a deep breath before she slips out of his room.</p><p>And she isn’t surprised to see Shelby waiting for her.</p><p>“Toni,” She says again, her Texan drawl smooth and slow.</p><p>But Toni shakes her head. “No, Shelby. Can you just, look around you for a second. Look at this house, it’s old and it’s falling apart and look at this situation, I have three kids that aren’t even mine with a mom that could come back at any time and demand for them back. My life isn’t stable, it’s never been stable, and I can’t drag you down with me.” She rings her hands together. “You deserve a brighter future than me and this house, you deserve stability, and I can’t give that to you.”</p><p>“Toni, I don’t care about any of that. I’ve seen so much already, and it hasn’t scared me away yet, has it?” She asks. “Besides, I know what I want, and I know you want it too. I know nothing is written in stone, but I’m not worried about the ‘what if’s’. Even before our living arrangement, I saw the way you looked at me. It made me feel special, wanted.” She again steps closer. “I want you, Toni and I want everything that comes with you and I have a feeling that you want it too.”</p><p>“I do,” Toni’s voice cracks. “Want that with you, but-”</p><p>She doesn’t get to finish her thought but, she is met with something far better, something that she had been thinking about for a month now- maybe even months before their first encounter.</p><p>Shelby’s lips on hers.</p><p>It barely takes her a millisecond to respond to Shelby’s kiss and its everything she thought it would be, slow put passionate, careful and tentative, but Toni pulls away. She’s hyperaware of the whimper that Shelby lets out, it makes her knees go week. But, Toni has to know, she has to be sure. So, their foreheads touch, Shelby’s lips hover over hers when Toni asks. “Are you sure?”</p><p>And Shelby doesn’t miss a beat before she reassures her. “I’m sure,” before she kisses her again.</p><p>Her lips are warm and pliant against her own and Toni thinks that this might be the best first kiss she ever received. Everything that was Shelby invades her senses, from her signature perfume to the taste of her minty toothpaste one her tongue that flicks at Toni’s lips, begging for permission.</p><p>Shelby, well Shelby knew what she was doing, there was no question about that. Toni can barely close the door the nursery over before Shelby cups her face and drags her into another intoxicating kiss. Toni drops her need for control and lets Shelby take the lead, a bit surprised when Shelby starts backing Toni into her bedroom and they topple onto her unmade bed.</p><p>She breaks the kiss, only because they both seemed to have forgotten that air was a necessity.</p><p>And if there is one image that Toni never wants to forget, it’s Shelby with swollen lips and blown pupils straddling her and god, she doesn’t want to ruin the moment- but. “Shelby, are you sure that this is you want?”</p><p>She feels Shelby’s soft hand move up, pushing some of her hair behind her ear. “Yes, Toni, I’m sure.” She sits back for a moment, Toni flushes under her gaze and she swallows hard at the look on Shelby’s face. “Can I touch you?”</p><p>“God yes.” Toni moans and Shelby doesn’t miss a beat, her hands go to the hem of Toni’s shirt and she pulls it over her head. She licks her lips before she runs her hands along her abdomen, towards her breasts. “You’re beautiful,” Shelby breathes as she leans down to kiss her again. Shelby’s touch is gentle, barely there, but it drives Toni insane.</p><p>Fuck, they haven’t even really done anything yet and Toni already is turned on- she’s breathless against her lips, arching into her touch as she plays with the edge of Shelby’s shirt and the blonde pulls back and pulls the loose cami off. Toni’s forgets how to breathe when she sees Shelby, her throat is dry as her hands move along the warm, smooth skin. “Shelby.” She croaks, hands moving towards her breasts. “Can I?”</p><p>Shelby nods shortly and whispers out. “Yes,” And Toni props herself up, keeping Shelby in her lap while her hands cup her breasts. It’s Shelby’s moan, when her thumbs brush against her nipples is a sound that Toni stores away for later and it’s the way that Shelby arches her chest into her mouth when Toni replaces her fingers with her mouth. The blonde’s fingers rake through her wild dark hair, her hips rocking against her thigh when Toni gently teases the rose-colored nipples with her teeth. “Fuck, Toni.” She moans sharply. “That feels so good.”</p><p>Toni pulls away only when she feels Shelby gently pushing over her shoulder. “Lay back,” she commands, and Toni doesn’t need to be told twice. She settles back onto the pillows and tries so hard to not rub her thighs together, especially under Shelby’s hooded gaze.</p><p>Shelby kisses her lips once, twice- three times before she moves her lips down her neck, the valley between her breasts, above her belly button and then stops at the waist band of her sweatpants. Her eyes flick up towards her and Toni nods, her chest heaving as she watches Shelby hook her thumbs and pulls both her sweats and underwear down in one smooth motion.</p><p>For a moment, time stands still.</p><p>The only sound that fills the room is their heavy breathing and Shelby is just starring at her except Toni doesn’t feel judgement under her gaze, just pure, unadulterated adoration. She hums when Shelby melds their bodies together and wants to cry when Shelby kisses her so sweetly. Her breath catches in her throat when she feels Shelby’s fingers dance along her inner thigh- slow and steady.</p><p>Then those fingers move along her heated flesh and a gasp breaks into the air. Shelby’s fingers dip into her folds, gathering Toni’s arousal with the pads of her fingers. Toni arches into her when those fingers rub tight circles at her clit. It had been such a long time, she wasn’t going to last long. Her core works around nothing, so she whimpers. “Please, Shel, inside.”</p><p>Shelby’s eyes are darkened in the dim light from the bedside table. “H-how many.” She huffs. “How many can you handle?”</p><p>It was the questions and the communication that had Toni falling deeper. “Two,” She exhales. “Two for now.”</p><p>And Toni can’t help but to chuckle at the ‘wow’ that Shelby omits when Toni pretty much sucks her in. Their foreheads press against each other as Shelby works her up, it’s doesn’t take long for Toni’s toes to curl into the sheets, she closes her eyes as the pressure builds and builds until-</p><p>“Open your eyes,” Shelby’s voice rings out, low and steady. “I want to see you, all of you.”</p><p>She does what she is told and is met with Shelby’s lust filled gaze- and fuck does it turn Toni on even more. The fingers inside her curl ever so slightly touching the spongey part inside of her and Toni snaps, moaning out Shelby’s name as she comes around her. She grips her shoulders as she convulses, only giving some slack once the aftershocks subside.</p><p>Toni pants into Shelby’s skin, a whine escaping when Shelby removes her fingers.</p><p>“Was that good?” Shelby hums, a teasing smile on her face. This woman, yeah, she knew what she was doing.</p><p>“More than good.” Toni tells her and Toni just wants to make her feel good.</p><p>So, as she settles down beside her, Toni props herself up- earning a brow raise from her blonde partner.</p><p>Toni kisses her slowly, languidly before she whispers in her ear. “I want to taste you.”</p><p>And she smirks in pride when she notices the goosebumps on Shelby’s skin.</p><p>Shelby shifts. “It’s not,” she stops, licks her swollen lips. “It’s not goin’ to hurt?”</p><p>“No, baby,” Toni’s assures her, thumbs brushing against the skin on her hip bone. “But, if it does, or you feel uncomfortable, just tell me to stop and I’ll stop.” There is a moment of silence and her heart breaks for this beautiful woman. It’s like the world fucked her over so badly. “Shelby, we don’t have to-”</p><p>The blonde shakes her head. “No, I want you to. I’m just,” A breathy laugh. “No ones ever- I want you to, please.”</p><p>“Okay,” Toni smiles softly and slides her pajama bottoms down her legs. “Just talk to me, let me know if you want to stop.”</p><p>For a moment she forgets how to breath. Everything about Shelby was beautiful, Toni still didn’t know what she did to deserve a woman like this. Her dark eyes flick up to Shelby’s perfect face, her green eyes were wide in anticipation. Her lips flutter over the damp mark on her underwear, the hitch in Shelby’s breath just edges her on and she pulls the fabric down her smooth legs.</p><p>Toni’s in no rush, she takes her time with her and works her up till she is a mess of breathless moans with her name on her lips like a prayer. She doesn’t want to use her fingers, not yet anyway. Toni just wants to show Shelby that sex is beautiful, if you partner knows what they’re doing.</p><p>And when Shelby comes, it’s like music to her ears. Her blunt fingernails digs into her scalp as she calls out her name and Toni waits, waits until she’s done and turns to kiss her inner thigh before she crawls back her body.</p><p>She’s hesitant to kiss her, not knowing if Shelby would-</p><p>However, Shelby takes her face into her hands and kisses her deeply, moaning at the taste of herself on her tongue and Toni realizes that she doesn’t care like she thought she would.</p><p>Shelby lets out a pleasant sigh as she nuzzles her nose against hers. “Are you okay?” Toni asks her softly.</p><p>“I’m wonderful,” Shelby purrs, her thumb brushing against her cheek. “Just wonderful.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Toni wakes up the next morning to the sound of Toby’s little voice babbling through the baby monitor.</p><p>And god, she doesn’t want to move.</p><p>The woman behind her was so warm and inviting, not to mention the warms around her waist made her feel grounded, safe for the first time. There was something so special about waking up in the security of someone else’s arms. In the past, Toni would be the one holding her partner but it proved to be so nice to be able to let her guard down.</p><p>She wants to stay like this, and planned to since Toby didn’t sound distressed until her doorknob jiggles and.</p><p>“Toni?”</p><p>Her head perks up at the sound of Tommy’s little voice. “Toni, your door wont open.” And then the knocking begins. “Toni,” She groans as Shelby stirs beside her. “I want batman pancakes and I can’t find Shelby.”</p><p>“Batman pancakes,” Toni mumbles. “The hell is he talking about?”</p><p>“It’s pancakes with chocolate chips and yellow sprinkles.” A now awake Shelby mutters into her crown. “It’s the only way I could get him to eat the other day.”</p><p>“That’s pretty ingenious.” Toni comments, turning in Shelby’s arms to face her. “Good morning,”</p><p>“Good morning back.” Shelby murmurs as she leans in to kiss her gently.</p><p>Toni would love to move in, deepen the kiss. Morning breath be damned at this point, but the knocks continue and Teddy starts to cry.</p><p>“Toni, your door is locked!” Tommy now figures out. “You said no locked doors until I have hairy armpits!”</p><p>Shelby’s eyebrows furrow, silently questioning Tommy’s statement and Toni rolls her eyes. “I’m coming Tommy.” She groans as she sits up, throwing her legs over the bed as she grabs her sweat pants from last night. She turns when she hears the sheets rustling, smirking over her shoulder as Shelby props herself up on her elbow. “Here,” Toni hands her the clothes from last night. “As much as I would love to keep you naked in my bed, as soon as I hope that door we are going to be met with two kids.”</p><p>“Two?” Shelby asks as she pulls on her cami. “Tommy’s the only one out there.”</p><p>“Nope,” She points to the screen of the baby monitor. “Toby went a-wall, climbed out of his crib. I can guarantee you that right now.”</p><p>“Ow!” They both hear from the other side of the door. “Toby! Toni says biting is bad!”</p><p>“See,” Toni nods over to the closed door. “No rest for the wicked,” She turns her head and looks Shelby over. “You decent?”</p><p>Shelby nods her head and Toni laughs. “Alright,” She unlocks the door and just like she predicted the two boys come piling in and Tommy, well Tommy just looks so offended. “I feel like we should have ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ playing.”</p><p>Shelby’s laughter fills the room before Tommy’s voice cuts through.</p><p>“Hey! Why didn’t you tell me that you and Shelby were having a sleepover!” He sounded so offended that it just makes Shelby laugh even harder. “I wanna have a sleepover.”</p><p>“It’s not that kinda sleepover buddy.” Toni ruffles his hair as she walks by him, picking up Toby. “And you, what did I tell you about biting people. You have a chewy dude, use it.”</p><p>As she pads down the stairs she hears Tommy running over towards Shelby. “You’re gonna make Batman pancakes, right?” The drama about the ‘sleepover’ seems to have faded that quickly.</p><p>“Yeah, of course. But you promise to wash your hands before you help this time?” Shelby inquires and the four-year-old offers a yup as he bounds down the stairs, yelling something about getting his chef hat.</p><p>Toni puts Toby down in the living room, taking advantage of Tommy’s distraction as Shelby descends the stairs. She looks how Toni feels- light, happy, stress free. “I’m sorry the morning got cut short.” She apologizes, capturing her lips in another kiss. Toni finds that she can’t get enough of her, of it.</p><p>“Hey,” Shelby whispers. “It’s alright, this is what I signed up for, right?”</p><p>“Shelby, are you coming? I can’t turn the stove on by myself, you know!” Tommy yells out.</p><p>“Yeah, be right there.” Shelby calls back, giving Toni a pointed look when she is close to telling Tommy that he better not touch the stove. “Later?” She asks, a promising look on her face.</p><p>Toni feels warm all over and the butterflies in her stomach swarm. “Yeah,” She smiles. “Later.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. So Yeah, It's a Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Content Warning for Drug addiction a head.</p>
<p>Toni and Shelby can't keep their relationship hidden for a day, Shelby is finally free from Andrew, Toni and Shelby have their first spat and Toni comes to a realization.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So, none of your brothers ever had hand-foot-and-mouth before?”</p>
<p>Toni shakes her head as both she and Shelby stand over the one-month-old. The rash around his mouth had now spread along his body. It had Toni a bit worried, to the point where she almost lost her cool with the pediatrician and had to let Shelby take the phone call over.</p>
<p>“Well,” Shelby sighs. “He doesn’t seem that bad anymore, his fever dropped so that’s good. We just gotta do what the doctors says, keep him comfortable and pray the other two don’t catch it.”</p>
<p>Toni crosses her arms. “Doctors a quack.” She mumbles, trying her best not to smile, to prove that she was mad which seemingly vanishes when Shelby wraps her arm around her waist and plants a kiss on her temple. “I just don’t know what to do for him.” She sighs as she lays her head on Shelby’s shoulder.</p>
<p>One night, it took her one night to become head over heels for Shelby. “We could try an oatmeal bath?”</p>
<p>“Isn’t that just a waste of food?” Toni asks with a scrunched-up nose. “Hate to tell you, but food does not go to waste in the Shalifoe house.”</p>
<p>Shelby scoffs. “Oh yeah, I know that. I’ve seen you and Tommy power through a whole bag of goldfish.” She teases, smirking at Toni’s eyeroll. “And it’s not a waste of food, did you never have the chicken pox, or the hives as a kid?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, got the chicken pox the morning I was supposed to get the fucking vaccine.” Toni tells her. “But no one put me in a tub of oatmeal.” She goes on. “I was in a foster home at the time, it was before my grandparents took custody of me. My foster mom just put that pink shit on my skin, socks on my hands and told me not to scratch.”</p>
<p>“And you totally scratched.” Shelby muses. “I saw the scars, Toni, don’t lie to me.”</p>
<p>Toni purses her lips. “It was more as a fuck you to Rhonda to be honest with you. I mean who doesn’t give a kid ginger ale when she’s sick.” She smiles when she feels Shelby pull her tighter against her.</p>
<p>“Toni, that is so sad. Next time you get sick, you are getting the full on Goodkind sick day treatment.” Shelby decides. “Without the blatant homophobia, but for now-” She steps away and Toni hates how she suddenly feels cold without the person beside her. “We give this little man an oatmeal bath.” She coos as she picks Teddy up. “He should stop trying to scratch for a while.”</p>
<p>Another thing Toni decided she liked, watching Shelby walk away with a bit of a bounce in her step. She licks her lips and is about to follow when she hears a slurping of an almost empty juice box by her side. Toni glances down to see Tommy at her side, his little head tilted as he looks at Shelby’s retreating form and then back to his sister- then back to Shelby and again toward Toni. “Toni,” Her brother sways on his feet, still sucking on the half empty juice box. “Is Shelby gonna stay around forever?” He asks her so innocently that she can’t help but to smile.</p>
<p>“I dunno, bud. Why?”</p>
<p>The little boy sucks in his cheeks and then shrugs. “Because she makes you really happy and I like seeing you happy.” He tells her, a small hand reaching up to take hers “And I really like her.”</p>
<p>“I like her too.” Toni sends him a wink and he gives her a lop-sided smirk.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.” Tommy tells her. “We all knew. Me, Marty, Alex, Fatin, Dot,” he lists off on his fingers and Toni shakes her head. “They say I’m too smart for my own good.” He proudly states.</p>
<p>Toni won’t lie, Tommy is a mini her and it’s what she loves about him. “You’re something, alright.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Toni and Shelby decided to attempt to take things slow in front of Tommy, being that the kid was an actual sponge, and they make it to Sunday. To be fair, Tommy was supposed to be napping when he catches them. It was as easy at what was supposed to be a stolen kiss at the kitchen sink, their lips linger a bit longer before they both jump apart when an excited. “I knew it!” bounces around the kitchen, Toni looks over Shelby’s shoulder to see Tommy standing at the bottom of the steps. “I gotta tell Marty.”</p>
<p>And it’s a mad dash towards Toni’s phone. Toni arguing. “She’s my best friend, if she’s gonna find out, it’s gonna be from me!”</p>
<p>She hates that he is faster than she is. “Not uh, she’s my best friend!” Tommy argues while Toni literally tries to wrestle the phone out of his grip.</p>
<p>“I thought Shelby was your best friend?” Toni coolly states and there is a stand still. “You did tell her that she was your best friend, right?”</p>
<p>Tommy looks again between his sister and the blonde standing at the archway of the kitchen with a tea towel slung on her shoulder. He thinks about it for a moment and then. “You can have more than one best friend, Toni.”</p>
<p>However, the break that he took to think was long enough for Toni to grab the phone away from him and he pouts when he realizes that Toni tricked him. She sticks her tongue out at him as she walks away, earning a chuckle from Shelby along with a “Real mature.”</p>
<p>“I try,” Toni says with a wink. “Hey bud, listen.” She turns around. “When Shelby and I are ready, we’ll let you do the honors, okay?”</p>
<p>Tommy thinks about it for a moment. “When will that be?”</p>
<p>“With out track record, maybe next weekend.” Shelby decides, glancing over at Toni who nods in agreement.</p>
<p>Toni nods. “Hey, are you okay that me and Shelby are-” She glances over at the blonde. “Together?”</p>
<p>The little boy buzzes with happiness as he bounds over to them. His small arms stretch to fit around both of their waists. “I’m very, very happy!” He tells them both beaming up at them.</p>
<p>Shelby catches Toni’s eye, a soft smile on those lovely pink lips and Toni can’t help but to feel complete for the first time in a long time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>For once everything in Toni’s life flows cohesively and she doesn’t want to fuck it up.</p>
<p>It’s starts with Shelby abandoning the sofa bed and being in Toni’s bed every night and once the kids are asleep and the house falls quiet, they move up to the bedroom and Toni takes her time to map out Shelby’s body. Spots that make her purr or whine, spots that make her breath out her name over gods and they lay in a blissed-out state afterwards, Toni’s eyes fluttering shut as Shelby’s fingers comb gently through her hair.</p>
<p>It has been two weeks of this. Of kissing Shelby whenever she wants, of touching her of just being happy and being with her, laying in bed cuddled up against her when Shelby asks her. “Am I,” A pause. “Are we,” A longer pause, Toni could wait. She was good at being patient when it came to people she cared about. “Am I your girlfriend?”</p>
<p>Toni looks up from the book she was reading, an amused smile on her face. “Do you want to be my girlfriend.”</p>
<p>And god does she love the goofy smile on her lips. “Do you want me to be?”</p>
<p>“Is this your way of asking me to be your girlfriend, Goodkind?” Toni teases, long gone was Andrew’s last name, a name that made him think that he owned this beautiful woman. Her father’s last name wasn’t the best, but it was better than what she had.</p>
<p>Shelby turns three different shades of red. “Maybe- okay, maybe it’s not the smoothest way to ask, but yeah. I mean, I know it’s a label and my god- I feel like I’m back in highschool, this is so-”</p>
<p>Toni silences her nervous ramble with a kiss, smiling against her lips as Shelby’s arms circle around her waist. “Shelby. I’d love to be your girlfriend.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Shelby whispers, her eyes shining.</p>
<p>“Really.” Toni answers, a giddy laugh in her voice.</p>
<p>Later that night, as they lay in different states of undress and Toni lays on Shelby’s chest mesmerized by her heartbeat is when she figures out that she may already love this woman.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know, I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen Shalifoe smile so much!”</p>
<p>The sound of power tools resonates through the grease smelling air of the garage. Toni is finishing up an old thunder bird crouched under the hood when Dot points that out. “It’s weird you know, it’s like you have a new pep in your step.” There is a clang of a tool on the cement floor. “Not that I’m complaining, I like this version of you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s because she is getting it from something other than her own hand.” Fatin teases from the office window.</p>
<p>“Well yeah,” Dot agrees. “But I just don’t think it’s that.” Toni pulls herself out from under the hood, sighing as she listens to Dot and Fatin’s theories. “I think she might be falling in love.” Dot decides as she points her monkey wrench at her. “Ah yeah she is, she’s totally blushing.”</p>
<p>“Can you blame her though?” Fatin calls out. “You’ve seen Shelby, right?” The sound of her wheels of her office chair ring out and next thing she knows, Fatin is walking towards her and pinches her cheek. “We are just so proud of your growth, girl.”</p>
<p>“Growth?” Toni asks as she wipes off her hands. “What is that supposed to mean?”</p>
<p>Fatin sighs dramatically. “It means that you have finally gotten over your four-year slump and your also over whatever fucked up shit that Regan left behind.”</p>
<p>“I’m the one who smashed in her back window, you remember that, right?” Toni points out. “And besides, I was over Regan when I met Shelby.”</p>
<p>“True,” Dot agrees. “But it was Regan that gave you that whole ‘no one would want to be with me because of the kids’ complex. And look at you now, you have this stunning- Disney princess like girlfriend.”</p>
<p>“Wait,” Fatin waves her hands as she perches herself on the work bench. “Does Regan know about Shelby.”</p>
<p>Toni nods. “Yup, she knows. She is actually currently hooking up with Shelby’s ex-husband, or was.” She stops and blinks. “Come to think of it, I think it ended. Last I saw her was last week when I was taking out the trash. She and Andrew where in the middle of a screaming match. Guess she realized that he was a piece of shit.”</p>
<p>“That and there is no way she has a chance of getting back with you. I mean you were a catch before but look at you now. So laid back, calm, cool and collected and a gentlewoman. Saw that post of you on Instagram, clearing the ice off Shelby’s car. Very chivalrous.” Fatin adds with a proud smile.</p>
<p>“Well, Shelby’s from Texas and doesn’t know shit about snow and ice, someone’s gotta guide her.” Toni tells both women.</p>
<p>“And then there was that other post of the two of you cuddled up with the three boys last Friday.” Fatin continues. “Very adorable, very domestic, I approve of it and her. Mostly of Toni Shalifoe’s happiness, right Dottie?”</p>
<p>“Right, which means we approve of Shelby.”</p>
<p>Toni fiddles with the rag in her hands before she gives both of them a smile. “Uh, thanks?”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Fatin shrugs, sipping from her metal straw. “What are friends for, am I right?” She grins before her eyes shoot toward one of the open doors. “And speak of the devil.”</p>
<p>Shelby was standing in the garage, scanning the area as she tried to find Toni. “Someone’s got a lunch date.” Dot teases. “I’m pretty sure you two will always be in the honeymoon period.”</p>
<p>Toni rolls her eyes at her friend before she calls Shelby’s name, the way the blonde smiles makes her stomach flip. “Hey!” Shelby beams and it’s magical, the way Toni’s mood instantly lifts when she comes over to her. “So, I know it’s kinda last minute, but I was wondering if you wanted to go to lunch?” She asks and then produces an envelope. “Because I am officially divorced.”</p>
<p>“Shit,” Fatin nods. “That was fast.”</p>
<p>Shelby turns. “Yeah, well we didn’t have any kids to think about and he want’s the hell out of this ‘godless’ state, so we agreed that he’d sell the house and split it fifty-fifty.”</p>
<p>“Wait,” Toni looks up from the paperwork. “Andrew’s going to be moving? Now who the hell am I supposed to torture?”</p>
<p>Shelby tilts her head, clearly amused at Toni’s disappointment. “Well, you have until the end of next month to bother him. He said, and I quote: ‘The farther I am from my disgrace of an ex-wife and her perverted lifestyle, the better’. And the proceeded to claim all the furniture, not that it bothers me because his mom picked everything out, but-”</p>
<p>Toni looks away from the paperwork for a second time with a raised brow. “He said what?”</p>
<p>“Toni,” Shelby sighs, reaching out to wipe a bit of grease of her cheek. “They’re just words, they don’t bother me.”</p>
<p>“I’m still throwing one of Teddy’s shitty diapers onto his roof today.” Toni decides with a mumble, causing Dot to chuckle and Fatin to mutter out a ‘gross’.</p>
<p>Shelby pauses and thinks. “Actually, put it under the front steps, he won’t see it and the smell will drive him insane.”</p>
<p>“Oh, look at that, you corrupted her, great job.” Fatin teases. “Another innocent soul, destroyed by Toni Shalifoe.”</p>
<p>Toni scoffs. “I only mildly corrupted her,” She explains as she wraps her arm around her waist. “The rest was all her because I would not have thought about putting it under the deck, it’s genius.”</p>
<p>Shelby laughs as she leans into Toni. “So, you’re okay if she takes a lunch now?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course we’ll be okay. Go, have fun and celebrate a win.” Dot says as she shoos them away. “We have things covered here.”</p>
<p>As they walk out of the garage hand in hand, Toni looks over her shoulder to see Fatin and Dot giving her a thumbs up before she gives Shelby’s hand a squeeze. “Hey, I’m so proud of you. Getting though that must have taken a lot out of you.”</p>
<p>“It was a lot to go over, I didn’t realize how much of my life I gave to him.” She explains as they walk towards her car. “But now, I can be with you freely and fully and I love the thought of that.”</p>
<p>And Toni does too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A little after a week of Shelby’s finalized divorce is when they run into Regan.</p>
<p>They’re at the mall, getting new shoes for the boys when Shelby spots her in the clothing department across from the footwear department. Teddy’s slung in a sling across Shelby’s chest and she’s swaying back and forth as Toni helps the clerk with Toby’s squirmy feet. “Isn’t that Regan.” Shelby points out with a nod of her head.”</p>
<p>Toni looks up to see that yes, it was Regan and yes, she was currently staring at them. When Regan is caught, she looks away for a moment, becoming engrossed with prom dresses. After another moment, the other woman’s shoulders slump and.</p>
<p>“I think she’s coming over.” Shelby states as the clerk tells Toni the shoe size that Toby should be wearing. She thanks him and the clerk wanders off, telling them to let him know when they find something.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Regan waves sheepishly at her. She looks Shelby over for a moment and then glances back over at Toni. “I didn’t interrupt Shalifoe family fun day, did I?”</p>
<p>“There is nothing fun about shoes.” Tommy’s voice chirps out from one of the chairs, where he sits, pouting. “Build-A-Bear though,”</p>
<p>“I told you if you’re good.” Toni regards him. She dusts off her pants as she stands up, leaning on the umbrella stroller that Toby was sitting in. “Uh, how are you?” She awkwardly asks, because well- this was awkward.</p>
<p>“Good, good.” She smiles. “I’m great.” And then looks over again at Shelby and Shelby in true Shelby fashion introduces herself and breaks the tension while making more tension.</p>
<p>“I’m Shelby, Toni’s girlfriend.” She sticks her hand out and shakes it, giving her that pageant winning smile. “It’s so nice to meet you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know. I’ve seen you around town and well, next door during what was possibly one of my worst life choices ever.” Regan offers, meaning her very quick relationship with Andrew. “I’m really sorry, by the way if that caused you any problems.”</p>
<p>Shelby waves her off. “Oh no, if anything, it kept him from bothering us.” She takes Toni’s hand. “Are you okay- we uh, heard the tail end of that relationship falling to pieces.”</p>
<p>Toni has to stifle a laugh at Shelby’s boldness, especially when Regan goes red with embarrassment. “Yeah, he uh- just didn’t fit up to the man he pretended to be, not that I needed to tell you that. You were married to him.” Regan points out and Shelby shrugs.</p>
<p>“Yeah, were being the keyword.” Shelby cradles Teddy’s head, still smiling so sweetly.</p>
<p>“So, you’re going good?” Regan asks Toni. “I mean you seem good.”</p>
<p>Toni nods. “Yeah, I’m great actually.” She squeezes Shelby’s hand. “We’re great, kids are great. Growing like weeds.” Toni wants to ask her what was up with the whole thing with Andrew, but doesn’t want to go into something she already knows.</p>
<p>However, Regan genuinely looks- happy for her, which was the last thing Toni expected. “I’m glad,” She nods. “You deserve to be happy,” Her gaze flicks back over to Shelby and she’s about to say something else when her name gets called. Regan’s little sister is holding up two dresses and Regan sighs. “I gotta get back to her, she’s looking for a prom dress.”</p>
<p>“Stop, Laila is going to prom already?” Toni laughs. “She can’t be that old already.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah,” Regan smirks. “She’s already had three break ups and four heartaches,” And cringes when she hears her name again. “Well, it was nice running into you guys. Don’t be a stranger, okay?”</p>
<p>Toni gives her a thumbs up and Shelby offers her a wave as she goes back to her sister. Once she was out of ear shot, Toni turns to her girlfriend. “What do you think that was about?”</p>
<p>“Acceptance, I think?” Shelby answers with a shrug. “I think that she may be genuinely trying to be nice, so take it while it’s hot.” Toni laughs and Shelby sighs. “Better than her getting all that toxicity from Andrew, don’t you think?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, just not used to people being nice.” Toni offers. “Guess I should though now that I have such an approachable girlfriend.”</p>
<p>Shelby laughs before she kisses her lightly. “Yeah, guess you should. Now let’s get these boys some shoes and hit the food court, I am starving!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When their first fight happens, it surprises them both.</p>
<p>It starts out with a happy moment, Toby’s first word.</p>
<p>Deep down, Toni had been worried about Toby. She knew she shouldn’t compare him to Tommy since every kid was different. But at one and a half, he wasn’t reaching verbal milestones. Sure, he babbled which was something according to his pediatrician, but it still worried her. She voiced it to Shelby once before when they were cuddled up on the sofa watching a random movie and Shelby also assured her, he’ll talk when he’s ready and if not- maybe take him to a specialist.</p>
<p>His first word comes while Shelby was preparing dinner, her mom’s chicken and dumplings. Shelby moves around the kitchen with ease while Toni sat with Toby, cutting his nails after a complaint from his teacher. He sits and babbles as she works, he flinches, pulls out his bink and then.</p>
<p>“Ow, Mama.”</p>
<p>The nail clippers clatter to the ground, the sound of Shelby’s humming stops and she looks up at the child. She had cut a little to close to the skin, but he spoke- he spoke and it was in context. He spoke, but he called her Mama.</p>
<p>She wasn’t his Mama.</p>
<p>“Oh buddy,” She cups his small face in his hands. “Toby, no- not Mama. Toni, I’m Toni. You say, ow, Toni.”</p>
<p>His warm brown eyes squint in confusion. “Mama,”</p>
<p>“No-” Toni takes a breath. “No mama, you have a mama and it’s not me.” She has no idea why her throat begins to feel raw. “I’m Toni, not mama.”</p>
<p>“Toni,” Shelby is right behind her, a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Toni, it’s okay. Look, he said something.” She sounds so positive. “Isn’t that amazin’?” She coos at Toby who smiles brightly at her.</p>
<p>“But he called me- I’m not,” She stands up. “I’m not his mom, Shelby.” She walks over to the fridge, grabs a beer and twists it open. “He has a mom and she’ll come back for them.”</p>
<p>A beat. “Toni, you are all that little boy knows and he sees you as his mother. He doesn’t know your mom and maybe that’s for the best.” She turns the heat down on the stove and wipes her hands on her apron. “I was thinkin’ that- maybe you should look into adopting them. I mean you don’t know for sure your mom would come back for them and at this point, would you want her to?”</p>
<p>Toni wishes she could stop the words that fly out of her mouth, but its too late. “Don’t go around acting like you know what’s best for them because you don’t! My mom will come back, she’s their mom. Not you, not me, but Tammy fuckin’ Shalifoe is their mom and I cannot take those boys away from her. They are all she has.”</p>
<p>“Toni,” Shelby steps forward, takes her hand but Toni snatches it away. “I just-”</p>
<p>Toni shakes her head. “No, just please.” She takes a breath. “I just, I need to go for a walk.” She mumbles as she grabs her coat from the hook and storms out the back door, leaving a hurt Shelby in her wake.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>What happens during that walk is either fate or god’s way of kicking her in the ass, because she’s halfway around the block for the second time- feeling like pure shit for exploding on Shelby when her phone rings. Her mom though, Tammy was such a sensitive subject. So many broken promises and broken hearts littered her path towards her mom. Each time Tammy would get out of rehab or jail with a new look on life, a promise to do better by Toni and each time, Toni was always let down and always without a mother.</p>
<p>It’s a number that she doesn’t recognize, but when she answers it, she is met with the voice from an operater, asking if she would accept the charges from an inmate from Stillwater Corrections. She gives a shaky yes and her mom’s voice fills her ear.</p>
<p><em>“Oh, Toni- baby. I’m so glad you picked up.” </em>Tammy’s croaks out. <em>“I had such a hard time remembering you number, but I did and—”</em></p>
<p>“Mom,” Toni breathes, stopping under a streetlight. “Why- are you in prison?”</p>
<p>Tammy starts laughing and Toni’s fingers dig into her phone. She sounded strung out, how the fuck did she manage that. <em>“Yeah, but listen- listen Toni. I didn’t do all those horrible things that they are accusing me off. I didn’t rob that woman’s house. I was cleaning it for money for you and your brothers so we could move to Florida, remember—‘member how I promised you that we’d move to Florida and live near Disney?”</em></p>
<p>“Mom, I was eight when you told me that. You ended up leaving me in fuckin’ Georgia, remember that?” Toni hisses.</p>
<p><em>“Oh sweetheart, I never did that- c’mon. That was just what you were told by those fuckin’ social workers. I just—”</em> She sighs. <em>“I need you to come to my court case and tell them—” Her voice gets lower. “You tell them that I was with you on the night of the 24<sup>th</sup>. I just, I need an alibi and you’ll do that for me, you’ll do that for mommy?”</em></p>
<p>And this time, Toni blows her top at someone that deserves it. “Do you really fucking think that I would lie and fuck up my life for you, just because you decided to rob a home for you latest drug money fix? What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you really <em>fucking </em>think that I would break the law and put my brothers in the system? Are you that fucking selfish?”</p>
<p><em>“Toni,”</em> Her mom pleads. <em>“C’mon, please? I could be in here for most of- for the rest of that baby’s life. Do you really want that for them, for those babies?”</em></p>
<p>But Toni knows, she knows her mom and her manipulation, so she asks. “What are their names, mom? The three boys, what are their names and how old are they- when is their birthdays, when is my birthday?”</p>
<p>She is greeted with silence on the other end and then. <em>“What does that even matter-? Are you going to help me or not?”</em></p>
<p>“No,” Toni bites. “No, I’m not going to lie for you. You got yourself into this mess and I am your fucking daughter, not your keeper.” She laughs. “I can’t fucking believe that I-” and then stops. “God, I’m so fucking-. I’m done, I’m fucking done. Just- fuck, get better. Please for yourself, get better.”</p>
<p>And Toni hangs up the phone and walks an extra block.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When she gets home, the house is dimly light by a single lamp in the living room and Shelby is sitting on the sofa waiting, her face full of worry. She stands up quickly. “Toni, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have—”</p>
<p>But Toni stops her, putting her hands on her shoulders and gently guiding her to sit back down. She shrugs her coat off and sits beside her, lacing their hands together. “You have nothing to apologize for and just let me explain why.”</p>
<p>And she tells Shelby everything about her mom, she tells her first about the phone call she just had and then goes into her childhood. She tells her about Tammy and her empty promises, she tells her about the many counseling sessions that she had to attend because of her mother. She tells her about being left behind or abandoned so many times by the one person who was supposed to love her unconditionally. She tells her the many times she found her mom half alive, she tells her how the system, time and time again failed her mother. And Shelby, sweet and loving Shelby is in tears as Toni tells her and when she is finished, wraps her in a hug.</p>
<p>And Toni? Toni lets 25 years of pent-up tears fall that night and Toni decides that she doesn’t want to put her brothers through the same childhood she was given.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was after Toni’s final wall fell was when they began to speak more about their pasts. Toni learns about Shelby’s two siblings, her brother who was following in her father’s footsteps and Melody who was now the apple of her parents’ eye.</p>
<p>The Goodkinds did not take well to their relationship and there were nights when Shelby would breakdown after a particular nasty voicemail from her father and Toni would be the one to hold her through the night, speaking to her softly, running her fingers through her silky blonde hair.</p>
<p>But then they would have Marty over with Fatin and Dot, laughing at the dinner table when Tommy says his second word, which happened to be a curse word. Again, he says it in context when his chicken nuggets hit the floor. Or when Tommy comes home with a family picture he drew in school, it make Shelby shed a different set of tears. He draws four people three with black curls, one with orange wisps and another with yellow hair. He proudly states, a bit of a lisp being that he lost his first tooth. That it was him, Toby, Toni, Teddy and Shelby.</p>
<p>They display it on the fridge proudly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s that night when Toni makes her decision. Shelby’s head is on her stomach as she scrolls through her phone, March rain patters on the windows outside when she says. “I’m going to do it, I want to adopt them.”</p>
<p>Shelby’s long hair tickles the bare skin of her abdomen as she cranes her head up.</p>
<p>“I know it’s a lot of work and I know it means that I’ll have to go visit my mom and get a lawyer, talk to Carla but they need stability, and They can’t have it if there is a chance that she could pop up if she gets acquitted.” Toni explains. “Even though there is no way that she’ll be found not guilty. I still want to do it, I want to try.”</p>
<p>“Do you think your mom will push back?” Shelby wonders and Toni shrugs.</p>
<p>“I think that deep down, the old Tammy that gives a damn about her kids is still there and I think I can appeal to that. Shelby, she doesn’t know those boys- but some part of her knows that me having full custody is for the best.” She decides. “Yeah, I think she’ll understand. It’ll be a fight, but I’m ready for it</p>
<p>Shelby smile is proud and she crawls up her body and kisses her cheek. “You know I’ll be here to support you along the way.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know. It’s why I know I can do this.” She laughs. “You know Marty calls you the Toni whisperer, right?”</p>
<p>Toni would never get tired of Shelby’s laugh. “Yeah, I’ve heard her call me that a few times- but you know what this makes you right, if you adopt those boys?” Shelby sits up and straddles Toni’s waist. “A total MILF.”</p>
<p>Toni can’t help the outburst of laughter that escapes. “My god, Fatin has really rubbed off on you, hasn’t she?”</p>
<p>“I mean a bit, yeah.” She links their hands together, bringing Toni’s hands above her head. “MILF Toni,” She laughs as she captures Toni’s lips. “That has a ring to it, doesn’t it?”</p>
<p>She laughs again and makes a mental note to ask Shelby to come to the prison with her to visit her mom, not wanting to ruin the mood. She knew that Shelby would agree to it because she learned weeks ago that this relationship with Shelby was one of the good ones, a healthy and loving one.</p>
<p>And one day, one day soon, Toni will tell her that she loves her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So lets talk about Toni's mom.<br/>I had a family member who's life was taken over my drugs and the system failed him horribly. Not to get too serious or too political, but I always feel like after watching my own family member go through rehabs and prison sentences that america's 'justice' system does nothing for those people who are truly suffering with substance abuse. Its like they set them up again and again to fail and I want to explore that in the next chapter when Toni goes to visit her. So some of the dialogue that Toni had with her mother are based off of things I had to hear growing up around that.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. He's gonna burn this house to the ground</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dave Goodkind makes his appearance and Toni visits her mom</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>cw: homophia</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toni meets Dave Goodkind in the most inconvenient way possible.</p><p>Carla had come for her monthly surprise visit, inspects the house, talks to Tommy about preschool and fawns at the fact that Toby has started talking a bit. She talks to Shelby, and Toni’s shocked because Carla was a serious woman, she has never heard the woman laugh once or crack a smile. Here she was, joking and laughing while Shelby charmed the hell out of her.</p><p>It wasn’t hard though, Shelby had a way with people that Toni didn’t. She had met Carla a total of three times and in those three times, the social worker would leave laughing and praise Toni on how the boys were coming along.</p><p>Toni, however, is partially nervous about this visit because she’s going to tell Carla her plan about adopting the boys. When she is done her inspection, Shelby offers her some iced tea and they sit down in the living room. Toni sitting beside Shelby, her knee bouncing with her anxiety. Though she remembers to breathe when Shelby laces their fingers together on top of Toni’s knee.</p><p>“This sweet tea, Shelby.” Carla hums when she puts the half empty glass back down on the coaster. “The best I have ever had. You’ll have to give me the recipe one of these days.”</p><p>Shelby gives her a warm smile and then Carla looks over at Toni. “And Toni, sweetheart, you are doing a wonderful job with your brothers. They’re happy and thriving and that is what we are looking for, the house could use a few improvements, but you’re always so good about—”</p><p>“I want to adopt them.” Toni blurts out making Carla look at her in shock. “I- I just think it would be the most stable thing for them if my mom would just give them up fully and let me adopt them.”</p><p>The silence that fills the room makes her stomach churn, she is filled with nerves and anxiety again. Shelby gives her a reassuring look and gives her hand another squeeze. Toni’s heart is beating in her ears and finally Carla smiles, she smiles at her and nods her head. “Toni, are you one-hundred percent sure that this is something you want to pursue?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Toni breathes. “Carla, you know my mom is in prison again.” The older woman nods and Toni continues. “And you were my case worker when I was a kid so you know that there is little to no chance that my mom is ever going to get her act together. If she hasn’t done it in twenty-five years, what is going to make her do it now?” Carla nods her head in agreement and Toni’s nerves flatten. “And now, with this charge against her, I think the likely hood of her getting out of prison before all the boys are eighteen is slim. So, I want to give these boys a normal childhood, I want security for them and in the long run, for myself. They’ve never met our mom, they don’t know her and if she does ever come back- they’ll have to deal with the same shit I was delt with. Carla, I can’t in good conscience do that to those kids.”</p><p>“Well, Toni.” Carla folds her hands in her lap and sits back in the armchair. “You’ve been with these boys for a long time now, you’ve proven that even with being as young as you are, that you are a good provider for them. It’s going to take time, the adoption process is a rough one- I’ll have to talk to your mom—”</p><p>“Wait,” Toni interrupts. “Are you saying that you agree, about me adopting them, you agree with it?”</p><p>Carla nods. “I do. I know you, I know your family and I know your mom. I know her patterns and it’s true when I say that you and these boys have a special place in my heart. I think stability is what all four of you need.”</p><p>Toni wants to cry, she can feel the swell begin in her throat. “Thank you, Carla and I’ll talk to my mom, it would be best if she hears it from me before anyone else.”</p><p>“Well, if you need anything- I know a good lawyer and remember I am on your side.” Carla tells them both as she stands up to leave. “And Toni, I am so proud of you.” She reaches out and squeezes the hand that wasn’t occupied by Shelby’s. “And you have all the support you need.” Her eyes flick over to the blonde woman and she steps back. “I’ll be seeing you ladies.”</p><p>Toni thanks her and walks her to the door, watching as she gets into her car and drives away. Shelby is still by her side, holding her hand on the front porch when she notices something. “Andrew’s moving out today.” Her girlfriend states. “I almost forgot about that.”</p><p> </p><p>But then, two pickup trucks Texas plates pull up which makes Shelby back up a bit behind Toni. She feels a tug on her hand, a pleading look to go back inside and Toni is a bit lost until she sees a blonde couple get out of the first one and head towards the house next door. The other couple- which was weirdly resembled the first one left their own truck and headed towards her house. It didn’t take Toni long to figure out who was currently unlatching her gate and marching up her walk.</p><p>Dave Goodkind and his holier art though evangelical self and his wife, Shelby mom trails timidly behind him. He looks like his is about to unleash pure fire and brimstone until Toni speaks out.</p><p>“If I were you, I’d stop where you are because this is private property.” He surprisingly does, looking a bit baffled and Toni smirks. “You must be Dave,” She keeps herself so casual. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”</p><p>His eyes are furious, lips curled and well- he was everything that Toni pictured. He ignores her of course and takes another step. “Shelby, get your things, you’re coming home with us.” Another step and Toni takes out her phone and again, Dave stops when he sees that. “I’ve spoken to Pastor Lewis at guiding light, there is an adult program and your mother and I already signed you up.”</p><p>The only thing that is stopping her from physically ripping this man’s throat out game of thrones style is Shelby and her three brothers inside. “Excuse me?”</p><p>“This doesn’t involve you!” Dave barks, pointing an accusing finger her way. “You- this is your fault, you seduced her! Made her lust after the sinful desires that she was cured of. You’re the snake in her garden of eden, it’s people like you that shows the vile side of this country!”</p><p>“Wow,” Was all Toni could manage. She didn’t feel anger towards the Goodkinds, she actually wanted to laugh at that mouthful of hate that the older man spewed. “You’ve nailed blind patriotism, racism and homophobia in one sentence. That’s uh- that’s something.”</p><p>“Shut up! Shut up, you disgusting, degenerate wh-” Dave spits and suddenly Shelby lets go of her hand and steps forward.</p><p>“Don’t talk to her like that!” Shelby bites as she steps in front of Toni. “You need to leave. You and mom need to get back in that truck and drive back home.”</p><p>“Shelby, sweetie.” Jobeth coos out. “Don’t be like that, darlin’ we’re just here to help you- to make you realize that you are making a mistake. Andrew is good and-,”</p><p>“Good!” Shelby shrilly shrieks out. “Good, you call him trying to force himself on me good? What about him cheating since we starting dating? You call that good. What about you and him and dad forcing me to think who I am was a sin against god when it’s not.” She’s on the second step of the porch now, her eyes a flame and The Goodkinds looked shell shocked. “You call that good?”</p><p>“Shelby, you’re sick.” Dave argues. “You’re sick and you need help. Getting you away from that one right there.” He seethes through his teeth. “Is the best way to help you, now lets go.” He growls, grabbing her arm forcibly.</p><p>Shelby is stronger than she looks. Toni knew that, even when she charged down the stairs knowing that Shelby didn’t need her help, but she needed her support. She rips her arm out of his grasp and staggers back, Toni steadies her, giving her shoulders a squeeze for support, just as Shelby did with her hand earlier. “I am not going with you, and you can’t make me. I’m twenty-six years old, I can make my own choices and I choose this.” She gestures to the house. “And I choose Toni and the life I have here.”</p><p>Dave laughs darkly and shakes his head. “Really, do you like being an embarrassment to the Goodkind name? Your sister can’t show her face in the pageant world because of you and the stuff you post on social media. You’re brother is embarrassed every time he goes to his young republicans meetings, heck, Shelby, he can’t even be a junior pastor because of you. And look, look at your mom, you’re breaking your mother’s heart. Do you really want that for this family? For your selfish acts to make us outcasts in our own church?”</p><p>For a moment, Toni thinks Shelby is going to break. She sees how she deflates for a moment, but then somehow perks up. “Then it’s time to find a new church, isn’t it?” She coolly states and reaches for Toni’s hand. “Daddy, you just need to accept that your daughter is gay and move on,” She speaks to him as if she was speaking to Tommy after Toby broke his lego creation. “And if that means that I am no longer your daughter? Then that guilt is on you. This is who I am, this woman is the person who I love and I’m not going back to a life where I am living a lie.”</p><p>Dave looks at them both with so much hate in his eyes, that Toni actually finds it a bit sad. He looks away, clearly unable to look at them. “Shelby, you realize the mistake you are making throwing your family away for a woman?”</p><p>“It’s not a mistake.” Her voice is gentle, yet firm. “I’m not throwing anything away- you’re the one who is casting me away. I’m staying here, you can let Pastor Lewis know that a spot is open.” She watches her mom pull on Dave’s shirt, clearly giving up and Dave points at them.</p><p>“You- you are just as disgraceful as she is and you’ll regret this, Shelby. Do not come crying to me when things go wrong.” He spats as he retreats to his car. “This sinful life leads right to hell, Shelby.”</p><p>Shelby doesn’t say anything else, she just watches her father a cold look on her face, however Toni doesn’t want him to have the last word. “Hey Dave?” Toni speaks up, getting the man to look at her. “I’ve been thinking you know, about Jesus and all.” She gets this smirk and Shelby gives her a strange look. “You know those paintings you have of this well chiseled out white dude? Well first of all, if Jesus did exist, he was in no way white.” Toni goes on, earning an annoyed huff from Dave as he tries to walk away. “Also there is evidence that the man that Da Vinci painted for his model for Jesus was actually his gay lover.” She adds with a laugh as the Goodkind pile into their truck. “So, all of this time you’ve been worshiping so random gay dude! The gays are everywhere, Dave! Everywhere!” Toni lets out a laugh as he slams his truck door and revs the engine before speeding off down the road. “Drove his ass all the way down here just to guilt you in to going with them,” She turns to Shelby and takes her in. She looks- small standing in the middle of the walkway, chewing on her thumb. “Hey,” Toni’s voice is softer now after she sends a glare to Andrew’s parents who were not so subtly watching them, and they scatter back into the house. “Hey,” She murmurs again cupping Shelby’s cheek. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Shelby nods, a sad smile on her face and kisses Toni’s wrist. “I’ll be fine, maybe gotta have a good cry after the kids go to sleep, but you know. I’ll be okay.”</p><p>As they walk back into the house, it suddenly hits Toni.</p><p>Shelby loves her and she said it out loud.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>For Toni, love was a feeling that was always held over her head, something that was just out of reach for her</p><p>It started off as earlier as four. She was in pre-school watching parents drop off her classmates, there was always a kiss on the head and an ‘I love you, have a good day.’</p><p>It hits her, at that tender age of four that her mom never told her that she loved her.</p><p>Her mom, after all was younger than most of the parents- but she didn’t think that you had to be super old to say that you loved someone. So, she waits and waits and waits for the day to end, her mom comes late like she always does and earns a hard look from the closing teacher. She is so excited, she runs up to her mom and presents a picture that she worked so hard on. “Mommy, mommy, look, look.” She waves the paper around. “I made this for you! And it says I love you, mommy.”</p><p>She’ll never forget the look of annoyance she got from her mom and the way she barked back. “Seriously, c’mon, get your things and let’s go. I had a long day.”</p><p>And she leaves that picture on the sign out table at school.</p><p> </p><p>Her foster parents didn’t say it either, what they loved about Toni was the money that she brought. She tried to say it once, but they girl she was sharing a room with snorted. “Don’t expect any of that in this house.”</p><p> </p><p>Then she goes to live with her grandparents.</p><p>While they don’t say it, she knows she’s loved. They’re strict and have a lot of rules, but there is love there. Her grandpop taught her how to use tools and fix things, her grandma teaches her how to balance a checkbook and Toni stays out of trouble.</p><p>They never say it, but they showed it after they pass and leave her everything- including the house.</p><p> </p><p>Then there was Regan.</p><p>She remembered the day Regan told her that she loved her. It made her heart flutter and her insides go all gooey. Regan was the first person besides Martha to ever tell her that she loved her.</p><p>Now she knows that was puppy love, a first love and she remembers what Marty said about your first love. She gets it from some Instagram post about how your first love teaches you how to love when your second love teaches you what love actually means.</p><p>And Toni now knows what it means.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s about the little things, the note Shelby would write and stick in her coat pocket before she went to work. Or how they moved around each other in the kitchen in the mornings, this non-verbal communication they had with Toni taking cups out for juice, Shelby filling them as put the bread into the toaster. Then there where the times they’d get annoyed with each other, little arguments that were solved with in the hour, ending with Toni pinned to a wall and Shelby’s lips moving against hers.</p><p>It was slow dancing in the living room when Shelby had discovers a vault of Toni’s grandfather’s Frank Sinatra records. They dance to <em>Come Rain or Come Shine</em> under the fairy lights that Tommy had insisted on putting up on the ceiling so he could look at the stars.</p><p> It was about things that were embarrassing or being caught in the act by Tommy who swung the bathroom door open one night while She and Shelby where both in the shower, declaring he had to pee bad and the flush of the toilet that turned the water ice cold, making them both scream in surprise.</p><p>The big truth of it all was the fact that Toni had loved Shelby the moment she knocked on her door with a lost Tommy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Shelby does keep to her word, after the kids fall asleep she breaks down and Toni holds her just as Shelby did for her. She holds her as she lets it all out and Toni gets it, she gets her, but she also knows that they both found happiness in each other. Shelby falls asleep like that once she’s out of tears and Toni presses her lips against her forehead. Her parents return to help move Andrew out and she catches how Jobeth glances over at the house as Toni watches Tommy play in the backyard. She also finds it so odd when Jobeth clears her throat and walks over to the fence- then clears her throat again, this time looking pointedly at Toni. Now she knows who Shelby got that look from.</p><p>She sighs and shucks her hands into her pocket, passing Tommy who looks up from his trucks and then hops up to follow her.</p><p>“Toni, right?” The blonde woman asks her and then looks over at Tommy. Toni’s shocked to see how she smiles at him. “I um,” She looks around and then takes a deep breathe. “Please, take care of her. I’ve seen the pictures she posts, and it is night and day.” A laugh. “I’ve haven’t seen her smile like that since she was a teenager. Just- please, keep making her happy.” Her name is called from somewhere from inside the house and the woman scurries off.</p><p>It’s possibly the weirdest conversation that she has ever had, but she once heard that a mother’s love had no bounds and she wondered if Jobeth was just as brainwashed as Shelby had been. She backs away from the fence, agrees with Tommy when he says “Weird” and then goes back to watching him play.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s that night when she tells Shelby that she loves her and not during a candlelight dinner, or on a bed of roses, or a moonlight walk in the park.</p><p>It’s uniquely them and their relationship in a nutshell.</p><p>Tommy has a nightmare and crawls into their bed, waking them up in the process. To be honest, Monsters Inc freaked the kid out and he was sure that there was a portal to the monster realm in his closet. He falls back asleep rather quickly with Shelby stroking his forehead and humming a gentle tune. Toni’s propped up on her elbow, watching it all play out when she says it.</p><p>“I love you,” It’s abrupt and random and all Toni, but it’s all she feels for this woman. It’s the security that Shelby offers, the realization that Toni could and possibly would marry her one day. Toni knows that she is in the long run with Shelby, she knows that Shelby might be her forever and she’s happy about that and God, she wants it.</p><p>Those beautiful green eyes flick up to look at her and her smile is so bright. Her fingers stop moving through Tommy’s mop of curls and she leans up, careful not to jostle him and kisses her. Her kisses always made those butterflies come alive in her stomach, it was like falling in love over and over again. “I love you too.” Shelby tells her as she pulls away and she giggles something magical when Toni takes her cheeks and kisses her again.</p><p>And she wants more, so she plays with the idea of moving Tommy back to his own bed, but Shelby stops her and promises her that they had all the time in the world before inviting her to her early morning shower.</p><p>Toni never gets tired of hearing her say that one phrase and Shelby doesn’t stop reminding her that she loves her. Whether it’s a quick peck on the lips with a ‘Love ya, babe!’ as she rushes out the door because she wants to take the boys to school, or after she makes Toni fall apart watching her with such awe and breathes out an ‘I love you, so much.’</p><p>For once, Toni isn’t scared of what the future may bring.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The day to visit her mom does come quicker than she would like. She has Martha watch the boys while her and Shelby drive the two-hour trip to the prison. Toni is silent throughout the ride and chews on her nails as she looks out the window. She only speaks when the prison is in sight.</p><p>She sits up, alert as it gets closer and then looks over at Shelby who had offered to drive since Toni’s mind was everywhere else. “I haven’t seen her since I was fifteen.” Toni admits and then glances over at Shelby. “She’s not going to look the same- or know what I look like.”</p><p>Shelby looks away from the road for a second to take Toni’s hand and brings her knuckles up to her lips, planting a feather light kiss on them. “I know your mom has her issues, but she’ll know who you are, Toni.” She squeezes her hand twice. “And I’m here for you, you can do this.” She promises. “You were there for my dad, I’m here for your mom.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Toni does realize that Shelby is out of her element as one of the prison guards pat her down, Toni had only visited her mom in prison once when she was a kid, but she remembered the process. She follows one of the guards to a table in a sunlight room and they wait. Shelby’s hand is one her knee, as she notices a line of women outside one of the doors. The door buzzes and they watch as mother’s are united with their children, partners to their lovers and finally, Tammy Shalifoe emerges from the group.</p><p>Toni’s heart drops because she looks terrible.</p><p>Tammy is way too thin, her eyes are a bit hollow with black rings around them. Her hair is a bit straggly, skin a bit pale then her normal pigment and Toni knows. “She’s going through withdrawal.” Toni murmurs to Shelby. “She looks so- frail.”</p><p>Tammy Shalifoe wasn’t the best mother, by any means. Toni doesn’t ever remember her looking so weak though, when Tammy was around, she was so bright and full of life. It does break Toni to see her own mother like this.</p><p>She sits across from them, so timidly that Toni wonders if this is the right person. “Toni?” Tammy breathes out, eyes wet with tears. “Oh my god, look at you. You’re beautiful, baby.” She tries to reach out, tries to take her hand, but a guard walks by and barks out a ‘no touching’ and she retracts so quickly that it scares Toni. Tammy’s brown eyes look over to Shelby. “And who is this?”</p><p>Toni breaks away from starring at the shell that was once her mom and clears her throat. “This is Shelby, she’s my girlfriend.”</p><p>Tammy blinks. “Girlfriend? I- oh, Toni. That’s wonderful, she’s beautiful.” She whispers then looks over at Shelby. “You’re beautiful, wow. Toni, I am so happy for you. You look happy, are you happy? What about your grandparents, how are they?”</p><p>Toni is a bit taken back by her question and she meets Shelby’s concerned filled eyes. “Mom,” Toni leans forward a bit. “Um, grandma died six years ago, right after grandpa. You don’t remember?”</p><p>Her mom blinks and then lets out a shaky breath, clasping her hands together before plastering a smile on her face. “Yes, oh god- I’m so sorry. I just- prison does a lot to your head, you know? That and I’m so happy that you’re here.”</p><p>Toni rubs her lips together steals a glance from Shelby. “Yeah, I’m sure it does. But uh, to answer your question I am happy. Life’s been good, works good, the boys are thriving. Everything has been amazing.”</p><p>“Right the boys, god, how could I forget?” Tammy wistfully says. “That’s wonderful baby girl.” Tammy sighs happily. “And you are such a good girl, taking care of those kids like that.”</p><p>“That’s what I want to talk to you about, the boys.” Toni fidgets a bit in her chair before she takes a breath. “I love those three kids with all my heart, and I want what’s best for them- and I know you do too. I know, somewhere deep down there is a motherly side of you that cares about me and your sons so much. I mean, you wouldn’t have given me partial custody if you didn’t care. So, I want you to go back to the part of you that gave up partial custody and re-visit her.” Toni takes a moment to pause before she drops the bomb. “Mom, I want to adopt the boys.”</p><p>There is a beat, a moment of silence and for that moment, her mom goes somewhere else for a time before she comes back. “Toni, that’s- they’re my kids and you? Honey, you have so much a head of you. This beautiful woman, a life- why would you want to weigh yourself down with three kids?” She swallows and directs to Shelby. “You’re okay with this?”</p><p>Shelby nods.  “I am, Ms. Shalifoe and I don’t think Toni is throwing her life away. She’s had these kids for years now and they’re not a weight, they’re a blessing.”</p><p>Tammy considers Shelby for a moment before looking back over at Toni. “I just, they’re my babies.”</p><p>“They don’t know you, mom.” Toni explains. “And I sometimes think that is for the best, I mean- look how much your actions screwed me up. Do you want that for them? If you love them, if you love me, you would let go of your rights all together and let me take over. “I know you know you won’t be getting out of here for a long time, but Toby is already calling me Mama and I can’t keep correcting him.”</p><p>“He’s calling you mom?” Tammy asks and lets out a shaky breath. “Of course,” And then, it’s like realization hits her. “Because you are all he knows.” Tammy licks her lips and then looks down at her hands. “Would you be helping her, Shelby?”</p><p>“As long as she will have me, yes, Tammy.” Shelby answers and Tammy nods again.</p><p>“Just let me, can I think it over and give you my answer next weekend?” Tammy asks and Toni’s mouth drops open. “Come see me next weekend, please? I’ll give you my answer if tell me about your life and how it’s been going next weekend.”</p><p>Toni didn’t think that she’d get this far and with an affirming nod from Shelby, she agrees to it- it would just be another two hour drive there and back. “Yeah, we’ll see you next weekend.”</p><p>“And bring the boys.” Tammy requests and Toni stops herself from standing up to leave. “I just want to see them, that’s all.”</p><p>“That’s all?” Toni asks wearingly and Tammy nods. She isn’t too thrilled about the thought of the boys visiting, but maybe it would help her to make her choice once she realized that she didn’t have a bound with the kids. “Okay, next weekend, with the kids. We’ll see you then.”</p><p>As they walk out of the visiting room, Shelby stops her with worry in her eyes. “Are you sure about bringing them here?”</p><p>“Yeah, as worried I am about my mom and where her head is. I think her seeing them with us and realizing that they don’t know her will help her make the right choice.” Toni decides. “And god, I hope she makes the right choice.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. spring time blooms, so does fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So the second to the last chapter! There is a just a bit of smut in this chapter, nothing really huge, just be aware if that is not your thing.</p>
<p>Also sorry if this took so long, got my covid vaccine on Tuesday, it was pushed back due to the snow but I finally got the first round so yay!</p>
<p>Also, also there will be an epilogue and maybe a sequel?<br/>But a definite epilogue will happen.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toni fills Marty in on everything when they get back and Marty, knowing her mom, wasn’t all surprised.</p>
<p>Alex, Marty’s fiancé is on the floor with Tommy, helping him put a lego set together as Shelby sits in the armchair with Toby in her lap, her chin nestled in the toddler’s hair as she listens.</p>
<p>“Do you think she’ll pull a fast one on you?” Marty asks, voice full of concern. “Toni, we know the ways of Tammy Shalifoe and all of her schemes. I mean, Christ- do you remember when we were kids, and you were slammed with credit card debt because your mother signed you up and used them?” Marty was a kind person overall, but when it came to Tammy, not so much. “She should have been thrown away for a long time just for that, instead she gets out in two years on good behavior, such bull shit.”</p>
<p>Toni sighs and rubs her neck. “I know that Tammy has pulled so much shit in the past, but you didn’t see her this time, Marty. She looked,” She rubs her lips together. “So, done with life- and I’m not sympathizing with her at all.” She quickly adds. “I just think- no hope she has some clarity now.”</p>
<p>Marty gives a sigh and then offers up one of her kind smiles. “What did you think of her, Shelby. Was she okay with you, like showed no signs of having a problem with your relationship?”</p>
<p>“No, she seemed happy.” Shelby tells her. “She seemed happy that Toni was happy- a lot better reception than my dad.” Shelby catches Toni’s glance and nods. “So yeah, I think she’s okay with it.”</p>
<p>Marty gives a tight-lipped nod. “I know that I am against violence, but if she is plaything the both of you- I will go full on mama bear on her. She doesn’t even know the boys and they don’t even know her, what does she expect out of a visit?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Toni shrugs. “Maybe she wants to see it for herself?  You know I don’t question Tammy’s knowledge anymore.”</p>
<p>Marty still looks unconvinced and Toni doesn’t fault her for it. “Just be careful, both of you. I’d hate to see this end in heartbreak.” She takes Toni’s hand and smiles softly. “Just put your Tammy guard up, okay?”</p>
<p>“You know it, Marty.”</p>
<p>Shelby and Toni end up buying takeout for Marty and Alex since they refuse money and by the end of the night, they are sitting at the firepit. Marty going into detailed stories about Toni and their childhood- mentioning how she had been a basketball star in high school.</p>
<p>And Alex, dear, sweet Alex who had been one in the handful of men that Toni could actually tolerate takes a swing of his beer and then. “Ya know, Shelby. Your girlfriend was so good that she got a full rides to the University of Minnesota and Florida State. Sucks she had to drop out of Florida State, once Tommy was born.” Toni’s jaw drops and Alex doesn’t seem to notice. “That’s how dedicated your girl is.”</p>
<p>“Alex!” Marty hisses, giving him a glare and he looks at them all cluelessly.</p>
<p>“Oh shit,” He gauges Toni’s reaction, he had known her well after all. It’s the clenched jaw, the tight grip she had on the neck of the beer bottle and the confusion on Shelby’s face that makes her realize. “Oh, fuck- Toni, I am so sorry. I thought she knew, shit.”</p>
<p>Shelby licks her lips, adjusting herself in Toni’s lap and Toni looks her over, trying to read her. “Well, that is a shame.” She begins and Toni’s eyes shut, she knew it was coming- ‘you through your life away, what a wasted potential.’ The disappointment. “But while it’s sad, it’s a choice she made- ain’t right to judge her on it.” Toni’s eyes flutter open when she feel’s Shelby’s warm palm on her cheek, a loving smile on her lips. “She is very dedicated, isn’t she?” She turns her attention back to Andrew. “And college is always there if she wants to go back, ain’t that right?”</p>
<p>God this woman was something else.</p>
<p>It’s like she can read Toni and she does read her well. She changes the subject to her own high school days, again charming the hell out of them and causing an uproar of laughter when she brings up her pageant days.</p>
<p>It makes Toni laugh, her girlfriend, the pageant queen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a while, Marty and Alex leave and Toni heads up to the shower while Shelby gets ready for bed. She steps out of the bathroom and towards their bedroom, finding Shelby on the bed on her laptop. Toni sighs as she closes the door and heads towards the dresser. “Do you think I made a mistake?” She asks, looking at Shelby’s reflection through the mirror. “When I dropped out of college for Tommy, do you think it was a mistake?”</p>
<p>Shelby closes her laptop and takes her glasses off. “I don’t think it was a mistake.” Shelby gets off the bed and goes over to her. “I would have done the same if it was Melody or Spencer.” She places her hands-on Toni’s bare shoulders. “Are you having second thoughts or-?”</p>
<p>“No,” Toni shakes her head. “God no, you are just.” She sighs and cups her face. “It’s just when people find out what I gave up for the boys, they just get disappointed.”</p>
<p>Shelby shakes her head as she loops her arms around her neck. “Sweetie, I could never be disappointed in you.” She hums before she brushes her lips against hers. “And I am so proud of you, you’ve been through a lot today.” She murmurs before kissing her deeply. “It’s making me think that maybe you need to un-wind?” Shelby sighs. “It’s been a long day, after all.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s how Shelby ends up on her knees, Toni doing the best she could to hold herself up against the dresser as Shelby’s mouth works wonders on her. She sends her to the edge twice, her skilled tongue is something wonderful and her name on Toni’s lips as she climaxes again. She’s much too sensitive when Shelby gently suckles her clit, to the point where she almost knocks down the knickknacks on the dresser. Pulling her girlfriend to her feet, Toni kisses her slowly, passionately and nips on her lip playfully as she lowers her on the bed.</p>
<p>She’s two fingers buried deep inside Shelby’s warmth, whispering how much she loves her into her skin as Shelby’s walls tighten around her fingers and god she wants to go again when she hears the way Shelby whimpers when she pulls out. Toni’s mouth is dry when she watches her hips chase after her, so she rolls them over and situates Shelby on her thigh, guiding her hips as she chases after her second high. Toni watches in awe as Shelby throws her head back, her blonde waves tumbling down her back as she chat’s Toni’s name towards the heavens themselves.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>After they’re both sated, de-stressed and wrapped in each other’s arms is when Toni asks, because she has to ask. “Today didn’t scare you did it, going to a prison, meeting my mom.”</p>
<p>Shelby’s fingers are combing through Toni’s hair, massaging her scalp. “No, honestly Toni? Nothing can scare me away now. So, looks like you’re stuck with me.”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s not the worst thing that could happen so-” She chuckles at the glare she receives from Shelby. “But I have another question, should I start calling you Princess or Your Grace, being that you are a pageant queen.”</p>
<p>Shelby lets out a bell of a laugh. “C’mon, I’ve told you about my pageant days before?” And then scoffs when Toni shakes her head. “I had to have told you- fuck, I didn’t tell you?”</p>
<p>“No, you did not,” Toni informs her. “But I can’t say I am surprised, you’re like- a walking, talking add for Texas,” She chuckles when Shelby clicks her tongue to the roof of her mouth. “I have to ask, what was your talent and why did you stop? You’re pretty enough to become Miss. America if you wanted too.”</p>
<p>Shelby’s silent for a while as she gathers her thoughts. “I stopped because they are pretty shallow and because- well, it’s pretty distracting as a teenager who is confused with her sexuality to be in a dressing room with a shit ton of beautiful women.” She tells Toni who is looking up at her in amusement. “But, my talent was singing.”</p>
<p>Toni doesn’t know much about the pageant world. One end of the spectrum says it’s empowering, another side says it’s damaging, and Toni believes the fact that it may do more good than harm in the long run. “Of course it was, I mean, your singing calms the monstrous toddlers.” Toni points out smirking at the way her eyebrow pops up. “And their rage filled older sister, I like hearing you sing.”</p>
<p>“Even those country songs?” Shelby tests.</p>
<p>“Yeah, even those country songs.” Toni confirms. “The Dolly Parton ones, yeah those are my favorite.”</p>
<p>It earns another laugh from Shelby’s gorgeous lips. “I’m not surprised, I don’t know of a soul that could dislike Miss. Parton.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As the new week starts, Toni can feel her anxiety towards the weekend building. All she can think about was her mom and meeting the boys. The only one that could process the situation would be Tommy, so she leaves the other two with Shelby and decides to take Tommy for lunch. They’re sitting across from each other at Friendly’s, Toni helping him with the puzzles on the kids menu when she brings it up.</p>
<p>“So you remember our mom, right?”</p>
<p>Tommy’s head is crooked to the side, his messy dark curls in his face. Toni had brought up a haircut, but the kid said he wanted to grow his hair like Maui, so who was she to argue with him. Besides, she found it adorable when Shelby gave him a man bun, the kid could rock it.</p>
<p>“No,” He chirps as he puts his red crayon back in the tin cup. “I never met her, remember?”</p>
<p>Toni’s brow furrows. “Right, yeah- I forgot about that.” She gives the place mat a once over and points to an apple. “You forgot another red thing.”</p>
<p>“Apples can be green, Toni.” Tommy states matter of fact which earns a smile from Toni. “And yellow.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, so um, here is the thing. Mom wants to see you and Toby and the baby.” Toni explains. “So us and Shelby are going to take a trip to where she’s staying right now.”</p>
<p>There is a pause, he looks up from his coloring to take a sip from his very blue soda. “She’s in jail though,” And then. “I heard you and Shelby talking, I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“No, it’s not a big deal. I mean the eavesdropping is annoying, but that’s besides the point.” Toni shakes her head. “But yeah, we’ll have to go to the prison to see her. Are you okay with that?”</p>
<p>Another shrug. “Can we get Cheesecake Factory after?” He asks. “Shelby really likes that.”</p>
<p>“Seriously, not Olive Garden?” Toni sighs, looking over at the waitress as she sets down their food. “Give it a minute to cool,” Toni nods towards his chicken.</p>
<p>Tommy sits back in his booth, lost in thought. She knows he is thinking, his own eyes that reflected hers in color and shape where squinted, nose crinkled. A question was coming. “Toni, why does she want to meet us now?”</p>
<p>“Because.” She reaches out and takes his little hand in hers. “Because I was talking to Carla about the possibility of me adopting the three of you. Our mom just wants to see you before she makes her choice.”</p>
<p>“Adopting.” Tommy repeats slowly. His thumb traces the lines on her hand. “Does that mean that you’d be my mom?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Toni swallows. “What do you think about that?”</p>
<p>Again, Tommy takes some time to process but then shrugs his shoulders. “You’ve always been our mom though, Toni.” He tells her. “Moms take care of you, they keep you safe and give you hugs and kisses when your sad and make food and play games and act silly. Aunt Dottie says that moms aren’t just the people that had you in their bellies, but it’s the person that loves you so much. So, you’ve always been mom, Toni.” He reaches to grab a french fry. “I just don’t say it because it upsets you, but if you adopt us then I can call you mom.”</p>
<p>There is a lump in her throat, she blinks back the tears and gives a breathy laugh. “You are wise beyond your years, kid.” Toni decides. “And I’m pretty sure you woke up and decided your goal was to make me get emotional.” Their smiles are identical, and they share one. “But yeah, if Tammy is okay with it then, yeah. I’d be your mom.”</p>
<p>“I’d really like that, a lot!” Tommy’s sudden excitement makes her jump a bit. “And then, one day, when you and Shelby get married-”</p>
<p>“Wait, who said anything about—”</p>
<p>“Then I’d have two moms!” He exclaims. “Hazel will be so jealous, she has two dads, you know? I can’t wait to tell her.”</p>
<p>Toni gives a soft sigh. “Dude, just- hold off on the married stuff. We just started dating.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” He nods taking a chicken tender and breaking it and half. “But you’ll get married someday. She’s your person, Toni and then she’ll be my other mom.” With a chicken finger in one hand and a crayon in the other her adds. “Hazel is gonna lose her freakin’ mind.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, how’d he take it?” Shelby asks as they settle down on the couch as Toni looks for something to watch on Netflix.</p>
<p>“Well, if he set out to make me cry, he achieved his goal of the day.” Toni sighs as Shelby lays her head on her shoulder, she chuckles at the concerned look that Shelby gave her. “It’s fine, it’s a good type of cry. That kid is so freaking smart,” Toni explains. “He is beyond happy about the possibility of adoption. He said all this stuff about me always being ‘mom’ to him then defined what a mom really is.” Toni adds. “Told you, he is wise beyond his years.”</p>
<p>“He gets that from you.” Shelby hums as she plays with Toni’s fingers. “But I’m glad he’s happy about it, what did he have to say about meeting Tammy.”</p>
<p>“That he’s cool with it as long as he gets Cheesecake Factory after.” Toni grumbles, trying not to smile as Shelby cackles. “You have ruined these children, Shelby, ruined them.”</p>
<p>Shelby turns around in her arms, her face feigning offense. “More like gave them redefined taste.”</p>
<p>“I’d say more like a grandma’s taste, but whatever helps you sleep at night, babe.” Toni teases, rolling her eyes as Shelby gasps. “C’mon, you gotta agree that it is so basic.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know if we can continue our relationship.” Shelby dramatically sighs. “I mean this new revelation is too much.”</p>
<p>“Shame,” Toni juts out her lip. “We had a good thing going, didn’t we?”</p>
<p>Shelby scoffs and leans up, brushing her lips against hers. “You’re so lucky that I love you.”</p>
<p>Toni sighs against her lips, lazily returning the kiss.</p>
<p>Yeah, she was very lucky.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>However, Toni is less thrilled when Saturday comes along and has to wake the boys up early for the ride to the prison.</p>
<p>She had been fine with the meeting during the start of the week, but she grew more and more anxious as the days grew closer.</p>
<p>Going to work helped, she filled Fatin and Dot in on the situation and they share Marty’s skepticism. Like most in Hopewell, they knew what Tammy was capable of. They do her best though to keep her mind off of the weekend and what it would bring. Toni actually loves their positivity and how supportive they are about adopting the boys.</p>
<p>“I mean, they’re already like your own kids. You’ve had all three of them since day one.” Fatin tells her. “You the best comparison they have to a mom. Not to mention they always make something for you for Mother’s Day, their teachers think that they are their mom until you tell them else wise. So why not make it official?</p>
<p> Shelby did her best to make distract her from her thoughts, but it doesn’t help. The night before the big day, she drew a bath for the both of them and used almost every calming aromatherapy soap and bubble bath in her arsenal. It put her to sleep but did nothing to calm her down.</p>
<p>She’s moving on auto pilot as she gets the boys ready. Her mind was really on Tammy and the negative shit that she may try to pull. Her mom was known to change her mind and giving that woman a week to think on the future of three young children was dangerous.</p>
<p>They take the long ride to the prison and Toni watches as her three young brother’s get checked by the guards. “I’m sorry,” The one tells Shelby after the blonde gives her a look when he checks out Teddy. “It’s protocol.”</p>
<p>“Protocol?” Shelby whispers to Toni. “What could someone hide on a baby?”</p>
<p>Toni sighs as she watches Tommy take this all in stride. “Those little baggies of coke in their diapers.” And nods as Shelby’s eyes go wide. “Yeah, it’s pretty shady.”</p>
<p>After they get clear the guard buzzes them in. Tommy’s holding her hand, Toby’s on her hip and Shelby carries Teddy.</p>
<p>Toni stops in her tracks when she sees her mom.</p>
<p>Because of course.</p>
<p>Of course she would have a fucking lawyer with her.</p>
<p>Her stomach drops in disappointment, of course Tammy Shalifoe would screw her over again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. your opal eyes are all i wish to see</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So a lot happens in this chapter, it's super corny and cheesy, but it's the mood I am in right now. I just wanted to finish it up and I hope it meets expectations. I'm a little iffy on it, I was having a hard time closing it up, but there is always the epilogue which make be weeks wait depending on how this week goes. But thank you to everyone who showed this story love and stuck around for it.  I'll still be updating the last of us au and i have two one shots in the works, maybe a third. Shoni on broadway keeps calling to me, idk where I'm going with that one.</p><p>But again thank you so much for reading, reviewing, bookmarking and giving kudos. They always make me smile!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was true that Toni’s never kept her promises, by now she was used to it and by now Toni should be used to the heart-breaks that came with the territory.</p><p>She had just hoped that her mom would be better now, that she’d actually keep her word, do what was right. Going into this, the thought process of the adoption, she should have kept the bar of expectations low. Toni always had it low since childhood.</p><p>So, when she sees the suit next to her mother, her jaw clenches and she readies herself for the worst or for the fight of her life. Toni already decided that she’d fight for these boys, that they’d have a better life than hers.</p><p>“Breathe,” She hears beside her and her eyes flick over to Shelby. “Toni, I know what this looks like, but I need for you to unclench your jaw and breathe.” She laces their fingers together. “It’ll be alright.”</p><p>She breathes as she walks over to the table and sits across from her brother.</p><p>She breathes when she watches her mother smile and fawn over Teddy who’s eyes are wide and fearful.</p><p>She breathes when Toby screams in her mother’s arms as he reaches his chubby arms out for her and Shelby.</p><p>And she breathes when she notices how uncertain Tommy looks, handing her a picture he drew before clambering up in Shelby’s lap, hiding his face in her sweater.</p><p>Finally, she breathes when her mom looks at her with pain in her eyes and says. “They don’t know me.”</p><p>Toni can’t help her annoyed and flat tone when she replies. “No, mom, they don’t know you.”</p><p>There is a beat, a pause and then a light squeeze on her knee. Shelby’s eyes are gentle, and she breathes again as she centers herself. She’s about to speak, give her mom hell for about the lawyer when he slides a folder her way.</p><p>“The adoption would be open.” The lawyer, Daniel starts. “Tammy would like for you to visit with them once every two months while she is incarcerated.” Daniel states. “Once she is out of prison, she would like to still see them during the holidays, have an open communication with them. Phone calls, pictures, letters—”</p><p>“I’m sorry, open adoption?” Toni interrupts, making the lawyer frown in annoyance as she tries to process all of the information she was being fed. “Wh- you’re,” She swallows. “You’re actually going through with this? You’re giving them up? Willingly?”</p><p>Tammy licks her lips, her eyes on the brim of tears. “I thought about it long and hard and I just- I want to do one good thing for my kids. I know that you can provide that because you have been providing it.” Tammy’s eyes cast down towards the. “Toni my health, it’s not getting any better- that shit I did screwed up my brain and I can’t be a mom, but you can. You can give them what I couldn’t give you. In the long run, I just want to know how they are doing.”</p><p>Toni is speechless, she does nod however, but she is still speechless. For the first time in her twenty-five years, Toni’s mom actually did what was best for her children, she was being a mother by giving away her rights.</p><p>“The adoption process is long and hard,” Daniel interjects. “But since your mom is willing to go through it, it shouldn’t be that demanding as it would be if you were adopting a child out of the system.” He drones on. Toni’s barely listening and actually hoping that Shelby is at least picking some of this up as she read over her mom’s terms and conditions. She could do a holidays, she could do phone calls and pictures. For a brief second, Toni’s eyes lock with Tammy’s and Toni mouths a ‘Thank you.’</p><p>Toni felt herself feeling something for her mother, she didn’t know if it was relief or what, but it was clear that some part of Tammy Shalifoe did love her children, even if she didn’t vocalize it.</p><p>“And of course, Miss. Shalifoe, your wife could also become their mother as well.” Daniel looks over at her expectantly, an eyebrow raised as Shelby falls over her words.</p><p>She blinks. “What?”</p><p>But Tommy interjects from the comfort of Shelby’s sweater. “They’re not married- yet.”</p><p>“Tommy,” Shelby mumbles, a slight smirk on her face.</p><p>Daniel clears his throat. “I’m sorry, I just thought- the children seem pretty found of her. I just assumed,” He shakes his head. “Anyway, Miss. Shalifoe, you’ll have to—”</p><p>She listens as Daniel walks them through the adoption process, what it will take, and Toni now listens intently. She knows she can handle it, she knew social workers already and she did her research. Though now she’ll have to update her search history being that Tammy was willingly giving the boys up.</p><p>As the visit comes to a close, Tammy speaks up and asks for a moment alone with Toni.</p><p>Shelby nods as she takes the folder of paperwork, carefully tucking it into the diaper bag as she stands up and kisses the top of Toni’s head. She’s truly something as she manages both Toby and Teddy along with Tommy, until Daniel offers his help. “I’ll be right outside.” She tells her. “It was nice seeing you, Tammy.”</p><p>Tammy sends her a smile. “You too, Shelby.”</p><p>After they leave, Tammy looks around the room and then reaches out and takes Toni’s hands, giving them a quick squeeze before letting go. “I know you’re used to me being a mess,” Tammy begins. “But I thought a lot about what you said about them and I just want them to have what you didn’t. You love those kids so much and I can see how much they love you.” She lets out a laugh. “And face it, Toni, I’ve never been much of a mother to being with.”</p><p>Toni doesn’t know if she should nod her head in agreement, so she just speaks instead. “You don’t know how much this means to me, or the boys in the long run. What you’re doing is motherly, you’re giving them a better chance and I’m grateful for that.”</p><p>The officers warn them that the visitation will be ending soon and as Toni goes to stand up, Tammy stops her. “Just one thing, honey.” Toni can’t help the way her heart drops. “You better put a ring on that woman’s finger.” She nods over towards Shelby. “She’s so good. Good for you, good for the boys and I can tell how much you love her. I can tell how much she loves you, you somehow managed to get away from my bad luck when it comes to love.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Toni lets out a sigh, letting her gaze fall on the blonde woman who was currently shooting daggers at the officer that was checking Teddy’s little shoes. “I’m gonna start working on that.”</p><p>“Good.” Tammy nods. “And Toni, you are an amazing woman. I’m proud of you, kid.”</p><p>Toni throws a smile her mom’s way before she is lined up with the other prisoners and escorted out of the room. As soon as Toni is able to, she joins Shelby’s side and takes her hand before kissing her cheek.</p><p>“You’re beyond happy, aren’t you?” Shelby giggles as Toni takes Toby from her mother’s lawyer and waves goodbye.</p><p>“Yeah, I feel- weirdly at peace.” Toni decides as they walk to the car.</p><p>“You’re gonna be their mom,” Shelby purses her lips. “You’re gonna be a mom.” She smirks, her brows raise. “You know what that means.”</p><p>Toni is ecstatic, not just about what just transpired between her mom, but how nice it feels to watch the pieces of her life fall nicely into place. She can’t help it, she has a home, a family and a woman who she loves and who loves her. “It means that I have totally turned you into a monster.” Toni decides, laughing at the way Shelby rolls her eyes as they get the boys into their car seats. “And it also means that I could not have done any of this without you.”</p><p>Shelby hums as she closes the car door and walks over to Toni’s side and kisses her gently. “I love you, so much.” She carefully slips the keys out of Toni’s pocket. “So much to inform you that I’m driving us to dinner. You’re way to hyped to drive and I just want you bask in glow of everything that just happened.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Toni feels a little odd to be celebrating already, but Marty and Shelby both insist. She has some fears, like what if one of the boys fathers show up and demand for them or her mom suddenly changing her mind. But her phone remains silent other than the occasional texts from her friends. So she enjoys the late spring bbq that is thrown together.</p><p>To be honest, she doesn’t want to jinx her luck.</p><p>She’s already let Toby call her mama, she’s stopped correcting him and Tommy, who has the same fears as she does wants to wait. She completely gets it’s and she won’t push him.</p><p>She’s standing at the grill, absently looking down at the burgers when she feels a presence beside her.</p><p>“Well don’t you have that domestic shit down pat, I’m almost jealous.”</p><p>It’s Fatin, with a red solo cup in her hand. “It’s weird just to think a few months ago you were just flying by the skin of your teeth, now look at you- with your shit together.” Fatin takes a sip while Toni lets out a chuckle. “Don’t tell a soul, but my step-dad is giving you a raise.” Toni’s quickly looks away from the food and towards Fatin, eyes wide. “Yeah, he is pretty fucking proud of you. He really doesn’t know how you juggle it, working a seven hour day and then raising a family on your own. Even though you really aren’t on your own. But you know him, he’ll never claim that he’s proud, but he is and so am I and Dottie is too.” Fatin goes on, sighing as she looks over at her wresting with Tommy. “I kinda like this weird blended family thing we’ve got, we’re like the new-aged Brady-Bunch, but lead by lesbians.”</p><p>She gives off another sigh when Dot hits the grass and Tommy is standing on her back with a winning smile. “I’ll go break that up before it gets ugly.”</p><p>Toni watches Fatin go wander off, laughing to herself as she begins scolding Dot as her attention turns back to flipping the burgers. She looks back up again and smiles to herself as she takes it all in, Alex and Mateo sharing a joke, standing by the cooler. While Marty sits beside Fatin’s new girlfriend Leah, getting to know her as Toby toddles between her and the sandbox, babbling as he hands her truck after truck. Only stopping when Marty fixes his baseball hat.</p><p>Shelby soon emerges from the house, Teddy in a papoose as she places a plate of raw burgers on the table beside the grill. His chubby legs kick in the warm air as his bucket hat slips over his eyes. “Hey,” Toni smiles as she puts down the spatula to move the hat out of his eye and plates a kiss on his rosie cheeks. “Couldn’t get him down for a nap?”</p><p>“No,” Shelby sighs. “He has a serious case of fear of missing out, every time he heard a laugh his eyes just went wide. Hopefully this means he’ll sleep through the night. We could use some un-interrupted alone time.”</p><p>Toni hums in agreement. “I second that.” She adds the new burgers and then nods towards the baby. “You need a break?”</p><p>Shelby shakes her head. “No, I’m alright- besides you got that grilling thing down. Open flame really isn’t my thing.” There is a beat of silence as Shelby takes a moment to look around. “You know, when Dave first confronted me about being gay, he told me that I’d be alone if I chose to go down this path. I hope he knows that he is eating his words.”</p><p>Toni nods her head. “I think he knows.” A pause. “Do you miss them though, your siblings and your mom?”</p><p>Shelby shrugs. “I keep in touch with Melody. She wants to visit in the summer, meet you and the boys. Just got to figure out a way to get her out here. Push comes to shove, I could get Becca to cover for her. Even though Becca wants to come too.”</p><p>Toni smirks at the mention of Shelby’s old friend’s name. Toni sort of encouraged Shelby to mention her to try and get in contact with her. Now, ever since she did, they have been inseparable. They at least facetime once a week, texted back and forth. Becca lived in Austin now with a small family of her own. A girl Tommy’s age and a boy Teddy’s age, pregnant with baby number three. It was Toni’s time meeting Becca when she realized that her girlfriend had a type. Short, cocky, brunettes and Toni understood Shelby’s previous crush. Becca was pretty with her freckled face, cute nose and loud personality. Toni liked Becca and knew that she’d seamlessly fit in with the group that they currently surround themselves in. “Becca’s husband is a preacher, right?” Toni asks and Shelby nods. “Then say that she’s going to build houses or something. I’m sure you can both come up with something.”</p><p>Toni did cringe at first when she heard about Becca’s husband, until she saw pictures of their church that had a huge pride flag flying among a few others. The church he ran seemed accepting of everyone, her husband telling them once god loves everyone and a church is meant to be a place of safety and sanctuary for all. Toni did take to Becca quickly, enjoying her sense of humor and stories from Shelby’s childhood. She was excited to meet them both as well as Shelby’s sister. “What about Spencer, any progress with him?”</p><p>Shelby’s face falls with her sigh. “No, he’s on my dad’s side, not that I’m surprised. Maybe one day, he’ll come around, I don’t know. At this point, it is what it is.”</p><p>“Yeah, but it shouldn’t have to be that way.” Toni points out. “I mean, if he’d just hear you out.”</p><p>Toni has no idea how Shelby manages to find some much hope in people, even if she is learning. “He will, he just needs time.” She hums, kissing her lightly. “Now, c’mon, we’ve got some hungry people.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Summer comes and it’s the best summer Toni had ever had. She meets Melody when Shelby picks her up at the airport and is impressed at the teenager’s knowledge of sports. Toni feels bad when she points out that their father doesn’t allow for her to pursue anything that he labels as mans work and basketball was one of them. Melody stays for two weeks, Shelby’s mom the only one in her family that really knew where she was.</p><p>And Melody is the exact opposite of Shelby, but it’s easy to see how much she admires and loves her. Toni spends time with her, gets to know her as they shoot hoops in the driveway. She tells her and Shelby about a guy that she had her eye on during dinner and she falls in love with the three boys. After dinner, Melody is quick to offer her help with the dishes, telling Shelby to take a break and she listens for her to leave the room before she speaks.</p><p>“I’ve never seen my sister this happy before.” She tells Toni over the running water. “My mom and I, we both want to thank you.”</p><p>“Couldn’t your mom just do that herself? Shelby is just a phone call away.” Toni explains as she hands her a wet dish.</p><p>Melody’s brown eyes cast down to the tile floor. “My dad tracks our phones, but my mom?” She takes a breath. “She’s thinking about leaving him, it’s just that Spencer—”</p><p>“Is caught up in his bullshit?” Toni asks, knowing the answer. “Yeah, I figured.”</p><p>“It’s just that, we were all taught the same thing. Love is only pure if it’s between a man and a woman, it’s the way god intended and anything is a sin. I’m sure Shelby told you everything already.” Melody goes on as she puts a plate away.</p><p>“Yeah, I managed to hear every Goodkind horror story. It’s enough for an over dramatized Lifetime movie version of it.” Toni sends Melody a smirk. “Can I ask, what made you break that generational trauma that comes with your family? Did you ever hate the way Shelby did before she came to terms with herself?”</p><p>Melody takes a moment before she shakes her head. “I don’t know. I guess it was from watching Shelby suffering my whole life. I was only a kid when she was sent to that conversion camp and when she came back, it was like the light left her eyes. She was no longer the big sister that I knew and always spent time with. Months after she came back from that place, she was just so numb and would sit in her room.” She looks around the kitchen. “She even had this breakdown and shaved her whole head, mostly as a fuck you to our dad. That just pissed him off even more and she was sent away again for another 3 months, wherever he sent her broke her and she came back as this Stepford wife type.”</p><p>“My god, the more you people talk about your dad, the more I begin to believe in chemical castration.” Toni grumbles. “Most of the time, I think- there is no way anyone would be able to hate him more, but yet, here we are.”</p><p>Melody nods in agreement. “Trust me, there is so much more. I could write a best-selling novel.” She laughs bitterly. “But then, Shelby and Andrew move here and she meets you and bam, my sister has her re-gay awakening and I couldn’t be anymore happier for her.” Melody lets out a small laugh. “You know my dad calls the gay devil and I think it’s hysterical. Even more so because after his attempt to bring her back home, the pictures of Jesus in our house disappeared. Shelby said you had something to do with that?”</p><p>Toni can’t help the proud smile that set across her face. “Yeah, it was pretty awesome.”</p><p>“I just really hope that you and Shelby are forever, you know.” Melody adds as Toni turns off the water. “The love you both have is the love that I want for myself one day when I break free from my dad. I was actually looking at colleges around here, if that was cool with you and Shelby.”</p><p>Toni leans on the counter as she dries off her hands, a smile on her face. “You tell you sister that, she’ll be a blubbering mess of happy tears. So you know it’s cool with me, besides, you’re a cool kid.” And she takes a breath as she tosses the towel onto the counter. “And you don’t have to worry about a messy break up, I have a good feeling that me and her will be forever.”</p><p>Melody’s brown eyes widen. “Does that mean,” She lowers her voice. “You’re gonna ask her?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Toni peaks into the living room taking in the scene of Shelby cuddled up with all three boys on the couch. “I am, one of these days.”</p><p>She is yet again engulfed in a hug, Goodkind women had a habit of tight hugs. It made her wonder if they were all touch starved. “You need to text me before you do it!”</p><p>“Hey!” Shelby’s voice rings out from the living room. “What’s taking so long in there?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Tommy chimes in. “It’s family movie night and you’re missing it!”</p><p>Toni rolls her eyes playfully. “Be right there!” She then looks over at Melody. “And don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know when I’m going to do it. She pulls out the engagement ring she had been holding onto for a month now and Melody’s jaw drops. “I get it’s nothing like what she probably got with Andrew, but it’s-”</p><p>“It’s beautiful.” Melody breathes as her fingers trace along the golden ivy leaves. “It’s a rough diamond, isn’t it?” She asks as Toni nods her head. “Toni, she is going to lose her shit. When did you get this?”</p><p>“I had it costume made a while back, had this long chat with this woman on Etsy. It’s one of a kind.” Toni explains as she takes it back from Melody. “You sure she’ll like it.”</p><p>The younger woman laughs. “Toni, she’ll be so thrilled. I mean the detail in the vines- and the fact that it’s one of a kind, yeah, she’ll love it.”</p><p>“Alright, we’re choosing a movie without you!” Shelby yells from the living room. “I mean I love the family bonding, but it’s movie night.”</p><p>Toni pockets the ring and then nods towards the living room. “We better get int there before she picks a musical again.” Melody nods in agreement. “But hey, thanks, Mel.”</p><p>“I mean anytime for my future sister-in-law.” Melody teases before she heads towards the living room.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The summer continues on, they rent a lake house with their friends and Becca who meets them at the lake house. It’s a mess of tears as Becca and Shelby reunite for the first time in years and they embrace for what seems like minutes while Toni and Becca’s husband Theo have their first face to face meeting. He’s a good guy, just as Becca promised. Toni actually enjoys his company, even picking him to be on her team for beer pong once the kids are put to bed because as much as she loves Shelby, she kind of sucks at the game.</p><p>Also, they both realized that trying to separate Becca and Shelby would be fruitless at this point, so they just went with it.</p><p>But it was at this trip at the lake house, which was in late August and much needed since the adoption process was still going on and was slowly draining them both; is when Toni was going to finally ask Shelby to marry her. She plans it over and over in her head, lets Becca in on it because the rest of the girls already knew. Of course Becca reacts with a scream which makes Shelby suspicious for a moment and Becca lying effortlessly about a bug that freaked her out.</p><p>Toni doesn’t get down on one knee and it isn’t traditional, because since when did she and Shelby do traditional? But she wants it to be romantic, so she rents a boat out at sundown and coaxes Shelby to leave the group for some time for themselves.</p><p>She doesn’t have a speech planned or anything like that and for a moment they just enjoy each other’s company before they reach the middle of the lake and Toni settles the oars down before she takes both of Shelby’s hands into her own. Since their relationship started, it was always Shelby leading it and that was because Toni wanted to go at her pace, being that this was so new for her. This time, she wants to take the lead, to let Shelby know that she was just as serious as she was.</p><p>“I know that these last couple months have been crazy and a whirlwind. And I know we’ve had our ups and downs during all of this, but you’ve been my anchor, Shelby. You always manage to come in and bring me back down to earth when I’m so close to losing it,” She speaks as she runs her thumb across her knuckles. “And then there is the way you are with the boys, my god, if I knew that you would show up that day in January when I was covered in puke and I knew what I knew now? I mean I would have tried to make the house look a bit decent.”</p><p>Shelby’s bright smiles makes her keep going. “I just, I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone the way I love you. I love experiencing new things with you and I love waking up to you every morning and I know we sorta fell into this relationship, but I want to make it a permanent thing so,” She pulls the ring from her pocket. “I had this idea in my head for months now, well since my mom decided to give the boys us. I want to marry you, Shelby.” She confesses. “I want to keep experiencing new things with you, raise this family with you, maybe even have our own with you.” She laughs. “So- yeah, you uh- you wanna get married?” A silence befalls between them, only the lapping water on the side of the boat fills their ears and for a moment Toni panics. She came out on this lake with two fears, one being that she’d drop the ring into the lake and two being that Shelby would say no “I mean, I know we’ve only been dating for—”</p><p>“Toni,” Shelby’s eyes are full of tears. “How about that, you beat me to it.” She laughs tearfully before she leans forward, brushing their foreheads together and she answers her so softly, but surely. “Yes, I do want to marry you.”</p><p>Toni’s eyes flutter shut when Shelby kisses her, relief washing over her as she holds onto the ring securely because it’s not on Shelby’s finger yet and there is still a chance that deep waters would take it. So, she breaks the kiss for a moment to slide the ring on her finger before she kisses her again. “How long do we have this boat for?” She asks, her green eyes catching the sunlight.</p><p>“A half hour,” Toni answers, laughing into the kiss as Shelby wraps her arms around her.</p><p>“We can make a lot happen in thirty minutes.” Shelby suggests. “And I’m guessing everyone back at the cabin knows why we came out here?” She smirks when Toni nods her head. “Yeah, we can make ‘em wait.”</p><p> </p><p>Much later after they return to shore and announce the news to the cabin full of people, Shelby gets a chance to admire the ring as they lay in bed together. She holds her left hand out to the ceiling as she looks at it, watching as the diamond catches the light of the moon from the sliding glass doors.</p><p>“You like it?” Toni asks carefully.</p><p>“I love it.” Shelby breathes. “I can believe you had it made, it’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me.” She chuckles as she turns on her side. “Who knew that Toni Shalifoe was such a cornball.”</p><p>“Only because of you.” Toni teases and sighs. “Back at the boat, what did you mean that I beat you to it?”</p><p>Shelby turns on her stomach to face her. “I mean, I was planning on asking you.” She traces a line down Toni’s sternum and smiles. “I knew I wanted a future with you the moment you threw that door open and yelled at me back in the winter- baby puke and all.” She sighs and then meets her eyes. “And I was thinkin’ and I know it’s too early and we still have to get the adoption finalized, but when we do get married, that I could take your last name. I mean I know there is the hyphenating it option but, I kinda wanna be rid of my father’s name.”</p><p>Toni nods as she runs her hands through Shelby’s silky hair. “I like that idea and I think you’d make a good Shalifoe- or bring some good to the name and it weirdly fits.” Toni figures. “Shelby Shalifoe.”</p><p>“Kinda like we’ve been each other’s person all along,” Shelby decides. “Even more romantic.”</p><p>“You’re so corny” Toni scoffs.</p><p>“And you love it,” Shelby points out. “Otherwise,” She lifts up her left hand again. “This wouldn’t be a thing.”</p><p>And Toni does have to agree, because she does love Shelby on their good days and bad days and she’ll always love her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Good news comes yet again when they get back from their trip and settled back down in the house. Toni’s phone had been ringing off the hook and when she answers it, it’s Carla excitedly yelling into the speaker that the adoption is being finalized and that night the small family of five celebrates and soon enough the boy’s new birth certificates would be coming in the mail with Toni’s name listed as their mother.</p><p>Who would have known that all of this wouldn’t have happened if Shelby hadn’t come knocking on her door on that cold, January day.</p>
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